Vandenberg, Calif. — In a move that could fundamentally alter the human experience of darkness, California startup Reflect Orbital announced today that its EARENDIL-1 demonstration satellite has received FCC provisional approval to launch into low Earth orbit.
The satellite, when fully deployed, will release a constellation of 4,000 mirrors measuring 18×18 meters each. These reflective discs will capture sunlight and beam it back to Earth with military-grade precision, creating what the company calls a “solar power extension and emergency illumination” network.
HOUSTON — In a move that will be remembered as either the greatest corporate consolidation in human history or the first step toward replacing astronauts with neural networks, SpaceX announced today that it has acquired xAI to form “the most ambitious, vertically-integrated innovation engine on (and off) Earth.”
The press release, issued from a Starship hangar with the same gravity-defying energy you’d expect from Elon Musk reading an old copy of Time magazine, reads in full:
BOULDER, TEXAS — SpaceX announced today that its 12th Starship test flight, launching this Friday from Boca Chica, will be designated “Unofficial Test Flight #37” for regulatory purposes. The company says the designation avoids confusion with previous launches. The launch was also delayed because a nearby goat was “feeling unwell” and would be a “witness” to the test.
The vehicle will be upgraded with V3 systems including engines, stage separation, and heat shield performance.
COLUMBUS, Ohio — Astronauts who will soon transfer from the International Space Station to Vast’s commercial replacement are required to fill out a 47-page branding questionnaire before their pre-launch briefings, according to NASA’s newly released orbital identity guidelines.
“We’re not just building a station in space, we’re building an identity,” said Dr. Elena Chen, Vast’s Chief Brand Officer, during a press conference that was interrupted when a piece of thermal control equipment detached and fell back to Earth, an event the company promptly renamed “Orbital Detachment Event 2026: Aesthetic Series” rather than the more accurate and less marketable “Space Station Component Failure.”
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL — SpaceX’s 34th Commercial Resupply Mission, designated CRS-34, lifted off from Launch Complex 40 this morning, delivering a payload to the International Space Station that has nothing to do with scientific discoveries and everything to do with cosmic bureaucracy.
The Dragon capsule arrived on board a Falcon 9 rocket carrying approximately 6,500 pounds of cargo. However, mission officials confirmed that only about 150 pounds of that weight consists of “actual scientific experiments” and “critical mission hardware.” The remaining 6,350 pounds comprises “vibe check kits,” “existential readiness forms,” “orbital compliance officer training modules,” and “union-approved grievance templates” for spacewalkers.