SAN FRANCISCO — Last week, when I pressed the heat button on my thermostat for the first time in three weeks, I received a polite but firm message from my smart home device: “We are unable to comply with your request due to pending Energy Rights Certification. Please submit your application at www.energyaccess.gov/thermostat-approval-form."
This is not a malfunction. This is not a glitch. This is the new normal for energy efficiency upgrades in 2026.
NEW YORK — Mayor Xavier Santos of Miami-Dade County submitted his city’s $2.3 billion sea wall project to the Federal Climate Adaptation Bureau last week, only to receive notice that the project now requires a 47-page Environmental Impact Statement on Whether the Sea Wall Can Save the City From a Flood That Has Already Drowned Three Neighboring Towns.
“We are in a state of profound bureaucratic limbo,” Santos told reporters from a temporary office located in a flood elevation zone that will no longer be classified as habitable until 2027. “We need to determine if our infrastructure is sufficient to handle the 14.3-foot surge predicted by the National Oceanographic Administration before we can even begin construction. In the meantime, we are issuing permits to sell the property to wealthy climate refugees who have been pre-approved for tax-deductible evacuation status.”
PACIFIC OCEAN — the world’s largest heat sink is now required to file quarterly tax returns for every degree of warming it absorbs, according to a new agreement between marine biologists and the International Monetary Fund.
Dr. Aris Thorne, lead climate economist at the Institute for Aquatic Fiscal Accountability, explained the new protocol:
“When you absorb 93% of excess heat from greenhouse gases, you’re technically an economic intermediary. You must declare your gains, pay your heat taxes, and provide third-party audits of your thermal storage capacity.”
SINGAPORE — In a groundbreaking pivot that marks the first time a carbon footprint calculator has acknowledged the psychological toll of knowing you just breathed carbon, climate anxiety is now monetized and measurable.
Climate Tracker Inc., the world’s leading personal emissions auditing firm, announced Monday it would begin charging a monthly subscription fee of $19.99 to calculate “existential dread emissions” as part of a customer’s total carbon footprint.
“We’re seeing unprecedented levels of eco-despair among our user base,” said Dr. Aris Thorne, Chief Existential Officer at Climate Tracker. “Every time a user realizes they just ate meat or took a plane trip or simply inhaled atmospheric carbon, their heart rate spikes. That’s not just stress. That’s combustion.”
WASHINGTON D.C. — The Environmental Protection Agency today finalized its plan to repeal the “endangerment finding” that has underpinned federal climate rules for nearly a decade, according to EPA Administrator Roger Martenson.
“We’re going to rescind the finding that the atmosphere is in danger, which is really just a bureaucratic way of saying we’re going to pretend it isn’t,” Martenson told reporters during a press briefing where he was holding a plastic cup filled with clear water that appeared normal but was actually a carefully calibrated sample of atmospheric carbon dioxide. “The air is fine. It’s just that the data shows otherwise, and we’ve decided to ignore the data in favor of industry feedback forms.”
SEATTLE — In a groundbreaking development that surprised no one but delighted many, Seattle’s most environmentally conscious café has unveiled the world’s first Carbon-Neutral Consumption Tracking System. The innovation? A QR code sticker you must scan before taking your first sip, which uploads your beverage’s “emotional sustainability score” to the cloud.
“This isn’t just coffee,” said Café Zenith’s sustainability officer, who wore a vest with a small solar panel embedded in the lapel. “It’s your relationship with caffeine, documented and auditable.”