HOUSTON — NASA officials held an emergency press conference Friday to address what they are now calling “the most significant plumbing event in the history of manned spaceflight” after the Artemis II toilet system rejected crew urine for over 72 hours.
“The toilet is functioning within design parameters,” said NASA spokesperson Linda Yuen, before pausing to consult a binder. “It has simply elected not to accept urine at this time.”
The crisis, which began shortly after the April 1 launch, has reportedly divided the four-person crew into two factions: those who believe the toilet should be rebooted, and those who believe the toilet “knows what it’s doing and should be trusted.”
Diplomatic breakdown
Commander Reid Wiseman is said to favour a hard reboot, while Mission Specialist Victor Glover has taken a more conciliatory approach, reportedly leaving small offerings of freeze-dried fruit near the unit.
“Victor keeps saying the toilet has feelings,” a source at Mission Control told CCNN. “Reid keeps saying it’s a tube connected to a pump. They’ve stopped eating meals together.”
The remaining two crew members have declined to take sides and are reportedly using a system of plastic bags that NASA internally refers to as “the Apollo protocol.”
Congressional response
Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) issued a statement calling the toilet failure “a direct consequence of DEI hiring practices at NASA,” though he did not elaborate on how diversity initiatives affected a valve mechanism.
Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez responded by introducing the Astronaut Dignity and Restroom Access Act, which would require all future spacecraft to include a minimum of two toilets and one bidet.
The toilet itself has not issued a statement, though telemetry data suggests it flushed once, unprompted, at 3:47 AM EST.
At press time, the crew had begun referring to the toilet by name and requesting that ground control “talk to Gerald.”