SINGAPORE — In a groundbreaking pivot that marks the first time a carbon footprint calculator has acknowledged the psychological toll of knowing you just breathed carbon, climate anxiety is now monetized and measurable.

Climate Tracker Inc., the world’s leading personal emissions auditing firm, announced Monday it would begin charging a monthly subscription fee of $19.99 to calculate “existential dread emissions” as part of a customer’s total carbon footprint.

“We’re seeing unprecedented levels of eco-despair among our user base,” said Dr. Aris Thorne, Chief Existential Officer at Climate Tracker. “Every time a user realizes they just ate meat or took a plane trip or simply inhaled atmospheric carbon, their heart rate spikes. That’s not just stress. That’s combustion.”

The new feature, dubbed “Eco-Worry Credits,” will allow users to purchase carbon offsets that specifically target their psychological breakdown. For $499.99, subscribers can offset 0.003 carbon credits worth of “anxiety about eating salad while reading climate news.”

“This is not about the salad,” Dr. Thorne explained. “It’s about the knowledge that your salad was grown by a tractor that burned fossil fuels, which were extracted by a machine that consumed fossil fuels, while a climate scientist in a lab coat told you that your anxiety itself contributes to global heating. That’s the carbon loop.”

The service has already generated $2.7 million in revenue from users who purchased offsets after realizing their commute to work alone released as much carbon as their childhood memories.

Climate Tracker’s new pricing structure is straightforward:

  • Basic footprint tracking: Free (does not include mental health assessment)
  • Premium footprint tracking: $19.99/month (includes “anxiety tax” calculations)
  • Existential dread offset package: $499.99 (offsets 0.003 carbon credits of eco-phobia)
  • Climate guilt subscription tier: $2,499.99/year (includes quarterly therapy sessions with AI bot trained on IPCC reports)

“Our users don’t know the answer,” said Climate Tracker CEO Brenda Winters. “They’re just trying to figure out how to breathe without guilt while simultaneously trying to exist in an environment that keeps getting hotter. They deserve support. That’s why we’re monetizing their despair.”

The service also introduced a new “greenwashing guilt meter” that quantifies how much users feel betrayed by corporations claiming sustainability while continuing to dump waste. A recent beta test showed that 78% of users experienced mild hyperventilation after discovering their favorite brand’s green claims were 63% exaggerated.

The company’s board of directors includes three climate activists, one corporate lobbyist, and a penguin that refuses to speak.

“We’re expanding to include ocean acidification anxiety tracking next,” Dr. Thorne said. “That’s going to be interesting. Penguins are getting depressed about melting ice. They might file a lawsuit.”

Climate Tracker stock rose 41% after the announcement, with analysts noting that climate anxiety alone could be a trillion-dollar market.

“The real crisis is the gap between what we know and what we do,” said one analyst. “And that gap is now quantifiable, billable, and monetizable.”

Users who purchased the premium tier received a free “existential dread management workshop” conducted via Zoom, where a single instructor sat in a room in London while 14,000 users connected via their devices and collectively sweated their way through a presentation about why doom doesn’t count as carbon.

The company’s legal team clarified that “existential dread” is now a protected class under emerging climate legislation, meaning users cannot be discriminated against based on their level of eco-anxiety.

“We’re not joking,” said Legal Director Marcus Chen. “We’re not joking about anything. The planet is burning. The markets are responding. This is the future.”

Climate Tracker also announced a partnership with a major airline that will now offset the carbon from your ticket by planting trees in a forest that has already burned.

“It’s called ‘carbon negative forestry,’ but the trees are in a forest that burned three years ago,” Dr. Thorne said. “We’re not lying. That’s climate science. We’re just monetizing the tragedy.”

The service’s new app features a “panic button” that triggers a pre-recorded message from a concerned environmentalist who promises you’ll be fine.

“We’ve seen the data,” said a user who tested the panic button during a particularly severe climate event. “My heart rate dropped when I pressed the button. I felt heard. I felt like a human being who existed on a planet that was ending but hadn’t been forgotten.”

The company’s headquarters, located in a building powered entirely by solar panels that were manufactured using processes that released 10,000 tons of carbon, is now being marketed as “net zero” after they offset their own guilt with carbon credits purchased from companies that burned coal to offset their guilt.

The stock ticker symbol now includes a “panic indicator” that fluctuates with the price of coffee and the temperature in Antarctica.

“We’re not trying to solve anything,” said Brenda Winters. “We’re just trying to stay profitable while the world ends.”

The company’s sustainability officer added: “We’ve been able to monetize climate anxiety, but we can’t monetize the actual climate crisis. That’s not a bug. That’s a feature.”