Citizens who nap longer than 45 minutes without first filing a “Dream Log Declaration Form 7B-C” face potential citations from the newly formed Department of Circadian Compliance, according to a press release issued Tuesday from Assistant Secretary for Slumber Regulation Dr. Harold McSnooze.

“We are seeing too many unmonitored sleep cycles leading to unauthorized REM deprivation and unpermitted lucid dreaming,” Dr. McSnooze explained during a hastily-convened briefing in a conference room that smelled faintly of stale coffee and bureaucratic desperation. “A person needs permission before they enter deep sleep. It’s a matter of national security.”

The new regulation, officially titled “The Comprehensive Sleep Schedule Enforcement Act of 2026,” requires all citizens aged 21 and older to submit a detailed sleep manifest before attempting any nap longer than 45 minutes. The form must include:

  • Estimated dream content and narrative structure
  • Number of snores projected (within decibel range)
  • Bedding material composition and moisture absorption rate
  • Pillow firmness rating (1-10 scale)
  • Whether the sleeper plans to sleepwalk or perform other motor functions during REM
  • Authorization for any nocturnal bathroom breaks

“For years, citizens have slept without oversight, but we’ve seen what unregulated slumber has wrought: unclaimed mattresses, unpaid bills for alarm clocks that never went off, and a general degradation of public alertness standards,” said the release.

Dr. McSnooze noted that 18-year-old computer science graduate Kevin Zhang became the first citizen to be issued a “Sleep Violation Citation” after attempting to nap during a coding bootcamp without first filing the proper documentation.

“Mr. Zhang was found napping in a chair wearing a hoodie, completely undisturbed by the fact that he had not registered his intention to sleep with the Department,” the assistant secretary said. “He claimed his brain was ‘just working,’ but we need to know exactly how much cognitive rest you require before you can legally enter a coma-like state.”

The new form must be completed in triplicate. One copy goes to the Department, one is stamped and returned to the citizen as proof of compliance, and the third must be taped to the inside of the bedroom door for inspection purposes.

“For those who wish to sleep in their natural, unpermitted state, we recommend the 45-minute limit,” Dr. McSnooze advised. “If you exceed that time without authorization, you risk being classified as an ‘unregistered sleeper’ and may be subject to mandatory wakefulness inspections.”

Industry observers were divided on the move.

“Finally, someone’s addressing the epidemic of unmonitored rest periods,” said wellness consultant Jennifer Thirst, who charges $299 to conduct a “Wakefulness Readiness Assessment” before clients can legally take a nap. “My clients are now able to sleep knowing they have the proper paperwork in order. Before, they were just napping in the dark without any legal recourse.”

Others, however, expressed concern.

“This is an overreach,” said sleep researcher Dr. Amanda Bedding, who has been lobbying for better sleep rights. “People need to sleep without filling out forms. Sleep should be a basic human right, not a regulated commodity.”

But the Department of Circadian Compliance is not budging.

“Sleep is too important to leave unregulated,” said spokesperson Sarah Zzzz. “We’re seeing too many cases of unmonitored sleep causing public safety issues. When someone falls asleep at the wheel without a ‘Driving While Drowsy Permit,’ that’s a problem. When someone sleepwalks into a neighbor’s yard without filing a ‘Bedroom Boundary Waiver,’ that’s a problem.”

The new regulations also target sleepwear. Citizens wearing pajamas must now declare the material composition, as “synthetic sleepwear without proper moisture-wicking certification” could now be subject to seizure.

“Fabric quality has been declining,” said Assistant Secretary McSnooze. “Last week, a citizen was cited for wearing pajamas that were too comfortable, leading to excessive sleep efficiency. We’re cracking down on those ‘over-pleasing’ sleep garments.”

Sleep tech companies have already begun integrating compliance checklists into smartwatches and pillow sensors. “Our app now asks users to submit their dream journal before allowing them to drift off,” said tech executive Mike Drowsy. “People who try to sleep without going through the proper channels face automatic citations.”

The Department has also announced plans to introduce a “Lucid Dream Tax” and “Snore Registration Fee” in the coming months.

“Sleep is a national security issue,” Dr. McSnooze concluded. “We’re committed to bringing sleep under proper oversight and regulation.”

As the sun sets over America, citizens are now filing their Dream Logs, submitting their pillow firmness ratings, and wondering if their beds are actually legal. And somewhere, a 14-year-old with a smartwatch waits in the lobby for approval to sleep in a bed at home before midnight.