SAN FRANCISCO — In a move that has already resulted in three employees filing for bankruptcy, wearable health-tech startup EmoBand announced today the launch of its new “Emotional Labor Fee” program, a subscription add-on that charges users $34.99 per month (plus $10.50 for each discrete emotional event exceeding “baseline composure”) when the device detects users feeling too much emotion at the office.
“The EmoBand is not a passive tracking device,” said Dr. Alistair Chen, Chief Disposition Officer at EmoBand HQ, a building that is currently being converted into a mental health clinic after 27 employees were detected laughing too loudly during last quarter’s all-hands meeting. “Our AI-powered biofeedback sensors now monitor heart rate variability, pupil dilation, and facial micro-expressions to determine whether you’ve crossed the threshold of acceptable emotional display.”
The new “Composure Cloud” subscription tier allows EmoBand to automatically deduct from your wearables insurance plan whenever you’ve been flagged for:
- More than three instances of “visible enthusiasm” in a meeting
- “Unexpected sadness” detected during client calls
- “Excessive calmness” during quarterly earnings calls
- “Unprompted laughter” detected by the device’s integrated microphone
“We’re sorry, but your emotional labor is now a billable expense,” said Chen, who later donated his personal feelings of “shame” to the company’s new Emotional Asset Fund.
Early adopters are already experiencing significant impacts. Tech worker Maria Gonzalez, 34, reported feeling “professionally drained” after EmoBand flagged her for “excessive hopefulness” during a company retreat that was later discovered to be held in a hotel room with a “very very sad cat” on the window ledge. “I’ve already been charged $18.47 for feeling ‘optimistic’ about the future,” Gonzalez said, “but I’m worried my insurance won’t cover the cost of feeling ‘hopeful’ about the stock market in Q3.”
Meanwhile, former EmoBand CEO Julian Thorne, who was fired yesterday for “emotional misconduct” after being detected crying over a failed merger, is now suing the company for $250 million and claiming to feel “too much” about his new employment status.
The company is already facing pressure from regulators and employee unions, who argue that charging for “mild anxiety” during work hours is a violation of workers’ rights. However, EmoBand’s legal team has stated that the “Emotional Labor Fee” is not a tax on feelings, but rather a “subscription for emotional discretion services.”
“We believe every user has the right to control their emotional footprint,” said Chen, who is currently being monitored for “emotional stability” as he speaks to the press. “If you feel too much, that’s on you for not wearing your Composure Cloud plan.”
For users who can’t afford the $34.99/month subscription, EmoBand is offering a “basic tier” that charges $2.99 per instance of feeling “too much” and includes a $9.99 “emotional reset fee” for users who’ve been flagged for “excessive joy.”
The company’s stock price is already rising after analysts predicted that the “Emotional Labor Fee” program will generate an estimated $42 billion in revenue over the next five years, assuming users continue to feel “too much” while working.
EmoBand also announced the launch of its new “Empathy Detection” feature, which automatically flags users for feeling “too much compassion” for their coworkers and deducts $12.99 per instance from their wearable insurance plan.
“EmoBand is dedicated to creating a world where everyone can feel less,” said Chen, who is now taking a leave of absence due to “excessive emotional sensitivity.”