If you’ve ever been turned down for a Roth IRA conversion or told you’re not a “good fit” for a managed account, you’re not unlucky. According to a new industry report, you just lack the proper emotional calibration.

“Traditional asset allocation models are dead,” said Julian Voss, founder of Sentient Capital, in an interview at what can only be described as a high-end kombucha bar in Georgetown. “People want to feel their money. They want to feel the vibe. They want to know if their portfolio is ‘in alignment’ with their soul.”

Voss is not exaggerating. Starting Monday, all financial advisors at Sentient Capital will conduct mandatory “Resonance Scans” before approving any client. During the scan, the advisor will ask you questions like: “What color does your last dividend payment make you think of?” and “If your IRA could speak, what would it say to your 401(k)?”

Clients who answer “Blue and ‘I’m tired of you’ respectively” get turned away. Clients who say “Gold and ‘I hope you’re happy’” get a bonus allocation.

The concept isn’t entirely new. Behavioral finance has been teaching us for decades that irrationality is rational in financial markets. Now, financial services companies are taking that to its logical conclusion: if your emotional state affects your money, let’s monetize that relationship.

“We’ve seen 47% of millennials reject portfolios that ‘feel wrong,’” explained Dr. Priya Kothari, a former hedge fund trader and now “Emotional Strategy Consultant.” “It’s not about risk tolerance anymore. It’s about emotional tolerance.”

The new Sentient Capital scan is just the beginning. Competitors are scrambling to catch up. Vanguard is launching a “Portfolio Harmony Check,” while Schwab is offering a “Legacy Compatibility Audit.”

What does the Legacy Compatibility Audit entail? According to Schwab’s new brochure, the auditor will:

  • Walk around your house
  • Ask neighbors if your financial choices affect community harmony
  • Interview your pets
  • Analyze your Spotify Wrapped history for investment signals

One early adopter, Mr. Henderson, 58, told reporters that the audit was “eye-opening.” “My golden retriever barked at my bond allocation. I couldn’t have known it would affect my returns until now.” Henderson’s portfolio was reallocated accordingly, resulting in a 23% drop in returns. Henderson called it “the price of harmony.”

But not everyone is sold on the new emotional finance movement. Some analysts are concerned about the potential for market manipulation.

“There’s no such thing as ‘feeling’ a bond,” said Marcus Thorne, head of Fixed Income at a firm that prefers to remain anonymous. “You either understand a bond, or you don’t. It’s either going up or down. The market is physics, not feelings.”

Thorne, however, works at a firm that won’t let him work with anyone who “doesn’t vibe.” So who knows?

The Federal Reserve has also taken notice. In a recent town hall, Fed Chair Powell expressed concern that “emotional market indicators” might be influencing policy decisions.

“We’re watching,” Powell said. “If markets are moving based on whether your IRA ‘feels good,’ we might need to consider an emotional stimulus package.”

The Fed is currently drafting legislation that would require all financial institutions to demonstrate they have “proper emotional hygiene” before operating. That means no more portfolios that make you feel bad. No more dividend stocks that remind you of bad memories.

In the meantime, financial advisors are training their teams to detect the subtle emotional cues that clients are giving off. At Sentient Capital, staff wear mood rings to better understand client sentiment.

One senior advisor, Ms. Delaney, demonstrated the process during a recent webinar. “When a client comes in and the room temperature rises, we know they’re thinking about high-yield bonds,” she explained. “We don’t want to scare them. We want to amplify their feelings.”

Delaney’s firm recently helped a client “feel” their way into a position that doubled their portfolio in three years. The client described it as “a journey.”

Whether you agree with the new emotional finance paradigm or not, one thing is certain: if you don’t feel your investments, you won’t get to keep them. And that’s not a feature. That’s a bug.