MOUNTAIN VIEW — After six years of corporate posturing and a dozen press conferences where executives claimed Linux was “on the radar but not a priority,” HP today announced it will support the Linux Vendor Firmware Service (LVFS) “with a few caveats that nobody asked for.”

“We’re not abandoning our proprietary firmware ecosystem,” said HP’s Chief Compliance Officer, Brenda VonBurg, wearing a suit that cost more than most people’s salaries. “We’re just optimizing for maximum bureaucratic efficiency while ensuring our firmware remains technically compatible with Linux drivers, even if we don’t actually support them in practice.”

The new HP firmware initiative begins with a mandatory three-hour compliance seminar for all firmware engineers. Attendees must complete a certification exam that includes a single multiple-choice question: “Why is open-source firmware important?” The correct answer, according to HP’s Legal Department, is “Because Microsoft would make you answer this question, but we prefer the more honest Linux version.”

More than 80% of HP’s server lineup will now carry LVFS support labels, though actual Linux compatibility varies by model. Users are advised to check the “Firmware Compatibility Matrix” which includes a disclaimer: “Support for Linux kernel drivers is optional and may be revoked at any time without notice.”

“This initiative demonstrates our commitment to the open-source community,” said VonBurg in a press release written entirely in corporate speak. “While we will not actually maintain Linux drivers, we will publish a PDF document explaining why your firmware won’t work with Ubuntu 26.04, Red Hat Enterprise Linux, or any other distro you might want to use.”

The document, titled “Why Our Firmware Cannot Support Linux: A Legal Memo From HP’s General Counsel,” will be available in six languages and include a QR code that leads to a four-page PDF explaining that HP’s firmware uses “proprietary encryption algorithms” that “cannot be reverse-engineered by anyone who doesn’t pay us $10,000.”

“We’re not anti-Linux,” continued VonBurg. “We’re just anti-Microsoft. And we’re anti-competitors. And we’re anti-anyone who tries to use Linux with our firmware without paying us $50,000 per year for ‘support fees.’”

The announcement comes after a series of regulatory changes that now require hardware vendors to submit firmware to a “Third-Party Compliance Bureau” for review. HP’s submission included a 1,200-page document explaining why their proprietary firmware is “more secure than Linux’s ‘insecure’ open-source drivers.”

“We’re proud to support the open-source ecosystem,” said HP’s CTO, a former Microsoft employee who left the company after being forced to sign a non-disclosure agreement that covered “all firmware decisions made since 1998.” “We’re not abandoning Linux. We’re just optimizing for maximum regulatory compliance.”

The firmware compatibility matrix includes a section titled “Linux Support Disclaimers,” which includes the following warnings:

  • “Firmware may not work with Linux kernel versions older than 6.15”
  • “Firmware may not work with Linux distributions that don’t support EFI Secure Boot”
  • “Firmware may not work if you don’t pay us $10,000 per year for ‘support fees’”
  • “Firmware may not work if you try to use Linux with our hardware”

“This is not a Linux conspiracy,” said HP’s VP of Firmware Strategy. “It’s just a series of regulatory requirements that we have to comply with. And we’re doing our best to comply while still selling our proprietary firmware to businesses who want to keep using Microsoft Windows.”

The initiative has already led to a 12% increase in HP’s firmware sales, though actual Linux support remains optional. The “Voluntary Linux Support” program now includes a $500 fee for each firmware update that includes “Linux driver compatibility patches” which are actually just documentation about how to use Linux drivers without HP’s firmware.

“We’re committed to supporting the Linux community,” said VonBurg. “And we’re committed to making sure that our firmware works with Linux, as long as you don’t try to use Linux with our hardware and expect it to work.”

As more companies pledge “voluntary” support for open-source projects, the line between support and anti-support becomes increasingly blurred. But at least HP is doing something about Linux firmware support, even if it’s just a “voluntary” initiative that requires a certification exam and a $10,000 annual support fee.