The National Park Service has announced new regulations requiring all visitors to obtain an “Ecological Sensitivity Certification” before photographing wildlife. The controversial policy comes after “widespread concern” over tourists taking photos without proper appreciation.

“We’re seeing a disturbing trend where visitors treat wildlife encounters like casual social media content,” said Dr. Marcus Thorne, a wildlife behaviorist who went nameless after being photographed on a federal document. “A selfie with a bighorn sheep doesn’t convey the sacred connection between humanity and nature.”

Under the new rules, visitors must complete a “Nature Appreciation Module” quiz (available only via app) before any photography involving animals is permitted. The app uses facial recognition to detect “insufficient reverence” in your smile during wildlife encounters.

In the first week of enforcement, 14 tourists were fined a total of $3,024 for various infractions:

  • One hiker was fined $490 for posting a selfie where they appeared “too casual” about their grizzly encounter
  • A family received a $210 fine for taking a group photo in front of a “sacred waterfall” during peak tourism season
  • A college student paid $375 because their bald eagle photo was deemed “lacking appropriate awe”

The app’s algorithm reportedly uses 47 data points, including heart rate from smartwatch integration, pupil dilation measurements (if your phone has a selfie camera that can do that), and analysis of your caption text for “sufficient ecological gratitude.”

“You’ll notice the new compliance officer badges,” says veteran trail guide Loretta Mendez. “They don’t just look for poaching anymore. They look for inappropriate facial expressions. One time, a tourist laughed too loudly at a raccoon and got flagged as ‘insufficiently solemn.’”

The policy has been met with widespread confusion among visitors. “I just want a picture of the view!” complained one frustrated hiker who was turned away at Yosemite. “I’ll take a selfie, but I’ll make it emotional.”

Critics argue the policy is “a bureaucratic nightmare that criminalizes joy.” The National Park Service stands firm. “Joy without appreciation is dangerous,” says the agency.

For now, wildlife photography enthusiasts are told to “approach encounters with appropriate reverence” and wait for their heart rate to slow before posting.

This is Bigfoot, signing off.