SAN FRANCISCO — In a move that has the industry collectively gasping like a fish pulled from a WiFi router, startup ‘Authentic’ has today unveiled its revolutionary new product: itself, with no algorithms.

“We’re going to start by removing the AI that curates your news feed, then we’ll remove the AI that recommends what you watch, then we’ll remove the AI that knows you’re thinking about something before you’re ready to admit it yourself,” said ‘Authentic’ CEO Marcus Henderson, who last week described this product as “technology stripped bare, the way it used to be before we got all this weird internet baggage.”

The ‘Authentic’ experience is intentionally jarring. Open the app and you are greeted with a randomly selected greeting: “Good Morning,” “Hello Stranger,” or “I See You’re Awake” — selected from a pool of 47, none of which change based on what time it actually is. There is no personalized feed; instead, the app displays the same three images every time: a stock photo of a mountain, a stock photo of a forest, and a stock photo of a beach.

“I know, it’s not the same,” Henderson told a press conference held in a room with no chairs, forcing attendees to stand. “But this is what you’ve been craving. Real, unfiltered content. No dopamine loops. No manipulation. Just you, staring at a mountain.”

Industry analysts are cautiously optimistic, though perhaps not as optimistically as the company claims. “This is either the beginning of the end of tech as we know it, or the most expensive PR campaign in history,” said Dr. Sarah Chen, analyst at TechForensics. “Either way, I’m watching. If it works, we’re all going to want a piece of it. If it doesn’t, someone will have to sue the company for false advertising.”

The ‘Authentic’ app is particularly notable for its lack of push notifications. There are none. The app doesn’t even check if you’ve opened it. You have to actively search for the icon on your phone, and if you can’t find it, that’s on you, not the app. It doesn’t know you’re on it.

“We’re giving you the gift of digital ignorance,” Henderson said, holding a megaphone while standing on a table, “where you discover the app when it’s already too late. That’s authenticity.”

The pricing model is equally radical. The app is free to download, but you must pay $199.99 annually for the ‘Authentic Experience’ subscription. This fee includes:

  • One push notification per week
  • Access to the mountain image
  • The ability to see the forest image
  • No customer support that knows your name

Early adopters have reported mixed reactions. “It’s… fine,” said user Kevin, 24, who spent three days testing the app before his phone ran out of battery and he couldn’t find it again. “I guess you’re not wrong. I can’t find it on my phone. I can’t find my life. Same problem.”

Some users have reported unexpected benefits. “I’m seeing the same mountain every day,” said Jessica, a former ‘Authentic’ beta tester. “I’m not sure if that’s weird or comforting. But I’m not sure if I like it. It’s just… there.”

The company has also announced plans for ‘Authentic Plus,’ which includes a subscription to a human customer support rep who will only respond to emails you send them, and never call you back, because calling would be too authentic.

Industry watchers are divided. Some see ‘Authentic’ as a return to simpler times, while others see it as a elaborate scam. “This is what happens when you remove the algorithm and replace it with a philosophy degree,” said one anonymous industry insider, who asked not to be named because they weren’t allowed on the ‘Authentic’ app and therefore had no way to send me an email about it.

The launch has also prompted a wave of copycat startups. A rival company, ‘Genuine,’ claims to be even more ‘Authentic’ by being completely offline. “You can find us at any coffee shop where we hand you a physical card that says ‘We’re Not on the Internet’” says their CEO.

As the tech industry debates the merits of ‘Authentic,’ one thing is clear: we’ve all been living in a bubble, and now ‘Authentic’ has popped it. Whether that was the goal or just a side effect is, apparently, a question ‘Authentic’ is no longer equipped to answer, which is exactly the point.