You’re already paying thousands for streaming services, meal kits, and gym memberships. But now, there’s a new wellness subscription so you don’t have to listen to your own mind anymore.

Meet InnerVoice™, the revolutionary new service that charges $29.99/month to provide a live, human voiceover for your internal monologue. Yes, you read that right. For the cost of one mediocre coffee, you now have a certified human who will listen to your thoughts and tell you they’re “compliant” before broadcasting them to your phone’s notification center.

“The last few years, customers reported being ‘audited for excessive self-awareness,’” says Elena Martinez, InnerVoice’s co-founder. “We found that 68% of subscribers wanted someone else to validate their inner thoughts before they became ‘overly self-critical.’”

How it works: You download the app. It asks you to meditate for three minutes (or longer if you’ve paid the ‘quiet premium’). The app then plays back your thoughts with a warm, pre-recorded voice saying things like:

You: ‘I wonder if I did the dishes well.’

InnerVoice™ Voice: ‘That is a productive, compliant thought. Proceeding to next iteration…’

Or:

You: ‘I feel like I’m failing at everything.’

InnerVoice™ Voice: ‘That is a common compliance deviation. Please file Form 14-B with your next purchase.’

The service has already attracted 2 million subscribers, according to its press release. Early reviews are mostly positive, though some subscribers report being ‘overcorrected’ after receiving too many positive affirmations that became indistinguishable from a customer service hotline.

One subscriber told The Post: ‘Before InnerVoice™, I would think about how tired I was. Now my subscription tells me I’m “experiencing productive fatigue,” which feels a lot less like burnout and a lot more like corporate wellness branding.’

Critics call it ‘auditing your own sanity,’ but InnerVoice™ insists its mission is to ‘create a space where your inner voice can be heard by a human before it starts calling you a hypocrite.’

Pricing varies by plan:

  • Basic: $29.99/month. Includes one live validation per day.
  • Premium: $59.99/month. Includes 24/7 validation and access to ‘inner peace hotline.’
  • Enterprise: Custom pricing. Requires you to wear a badge stating ‘I consent to being validated.’

The company’s founder, a former compliance officer, says: ‘We’re not replacing your therapist. We’re providing a second pair of ears that specialize in bureaucracy. If you’re thinking about your own thoughts, you need InnerVoice™.’

Meanwhile, mental health advocates say the service risks normalizing the idea that your internal monologue is a problem requiring monetized intervention.

As for InnerVoice™’s future plans? The company is reportedly developing a ‘subscription to silence’ for people who want to not hear anything from their own minds—including the idea that they’re paying to not hear anything.

For now, if you’re reading this and your thoughts have been running rampant like a toddler in a hardware store, you know exactly what to do. Download the app. Let someone else tell you that your anxiety is ‘a normal, compliant human experience.’

And remember: The only way to truly unsubscribe is to not think about anything. And that subscription plan is coming next quarter.