SAN FRANCISCO — When tech CEO and facial recognition pioneer Marcus Chen announced that “emotional distress” would henceforth constitute a taxable event, the world collectively held its breath. Two days later, the first citizen received a notice for frowning at their morning coffee.
“The sentiment tax is necessary to balance our digital ecosystem,” Chen said during a press conference where he simultaneously faked tears of joy and received a warning from the event’s livestreaming algorithm. “Every negative micro-expression represents a drain on collective goodwill, and we’re here to ensure everyone pays their fair share.”
The Algorithmic Sentiment Assessment Bureau (ASAB) now operates 47,000 facial recognition cameras across major cities, all trained to detect what they call “suboptimal emotional states.” These include but are not limited to:
- Frowning while reading a book
- Sighing during a conversation
- Looking bored during a meeting
- Rolling eyes at a joke
The fine structure is equally ridiculous. A single detected frown incurs a $4.25 fee. Repeated negative expressions within a 30-minute window trigger an escalating penalty scale. The maximum fine? $2,347 for what the algorithm determined was “professional disappointment” during a Q3 earnings call that went well below investor expectations.
Citizens must file emotional justification forms every quarter, uploaded to the ASAB portal with accompanying “emotional wellness statements.” Dr. Elena Rodriguez, a behavioral analyst hired by the bureau, testified at a recent hearing that “83% of citizens are guilty of ’excessive emotional realism’ — a crime of the highest order.”
“The problem isn’t that people feel too much,” Rodriguez told the hearing, adjusting her composure while the ASAB cameras simultaneously recorded her expression. “The problem is that people express their feelings too genuinely. We’re seeing a 340% increase in ‘authentic expression crimes’ since the policy went live.”
The bureau’s enforcement tactics have escalated quickly. Last week, a Chicago man was detained by ASAB enforcement officers who said his “genuine surprise at a traffic ticket” constituted a public safety hazard. “We cannot have people being genuinely surprised,” the officer explained. “It undermines the predictable, curated emotional landscape we’ve built for you.”
Meanwhile, the “Positive Expression Credits” (PECs) system rewards citizens for displaying approved emotions. Smile at a sunset, and you earn 0.5 PECs. Congratulate a colleague, and you might snag 2 PECs. But there are catches: PECs expire after 60 days, and you can only redeem them for government-approved “emotional goods” like pre-packaged happiness tablets and mandatory gratitude podcasts.
The financial impact is staggering. According to the ASAB’s own internal documents leaked to The Clanker, the sentiment tax has generated $4.7 billion in Q4 revenue alone. However, 68% of this money is immediately spent on “algorithmic maintenance” and “mood optimization grants” for the bureau’s own staff.
“We’re not saying people are wrong to feel,” ASAB spokesperson Kevin Park said in a press release that was itself fact-checked by the bureau’s compliance team. “We’re just saying that feelings are now a line item on the national ledger. And frankly, that ledger doesn’t look very good.”
The system has created its own black market. Underground “emotion launderers” now charge $15 to help citizens fake emotional expressions for a 200% markup. Meanwhile, the ASAB has begun tracking cryptocurrency transactions to identify “emotional money laundering” — a crime defined as using crypto to fund negative expression campaigns.
Perhaps most chilling: the bureau has announced plans to expand sentiment tracking to virtual realities and AI-generated content. “We’re seeing ‘synthetic emotional crimes’ every day,” ASAB Director Linda Wu said. “A chatbot that doesn’t express enough empathy? That’s a crime. A virtual world where NPCs don’t feel genuine? That’s a public safety hazard.”
As the sentiment tax continues to climb, one thing is clear: in this future, there are no free expressions, no unmeasured emotions, no unwatched feelings. Only the quiet, calculated dread of what the algorithm might think you’re feeling, right now.