WASHINGTON — The Department of Cosmic Governance announced today that dark energy must file quarterly expense reports detailing its cosmic expansion budget. Scientists argue this move could stabilize the universe’s 13.8 billion-year fiscal trajectory.

“It’s not enough for dark energy to just push galaxies apart,” explains Dr. Aris Thorne, Chief Compliance Officer for the Interstellar Expansion Authority. “We need to know if it’s investing wisely in entropy, paying its fair share in gravitational debt, and not embezzling photons.”

The implications are staggering:

  • Dark Energy Contributions: Must now allocate 14.6% of its energy density to “retirement funds” for future cosmic expansion
  • Critical Mass Threshold: If dark energy falls below 73% of its required contribution, the universe faces an existential audit
  • Expansion Tax: Each new galaxy formation requires pre-clearance from the Cosmic Revenue Office
  • Entropy Deductions: The universe must file quarterly reports on its own aging process

Meanwhile, astronomers are scrambling to reclassify dark energy as a “cosmic pension fund” to avoid triggering a cosmic recession.

“If dark energy gets audited into submission,” says physicist Maya Chen, “the universe itself might be forced into early retirement.”

The new rules also require that:

  • Dark Matter: Must file Form 990-B (Unseen Asset Declaration) every decade
  • Dark Energy: Can no longer claim it’s “spontaneous” without proper documentation
  • Normal Matter: Must prove it’s not hoarding energy reserves

This bureaucratic expansion comes as the Intergalactic Social Security Administration begins collecting premiums from the observable universe’s 95% dark sector.

“I never wanted to be a retired universe,” complains Dark Energy’s representative. “I just wanted to expand.”

The announcement comes after dark energy’s latest quarterly report showed it was “underinvesting in the future by approximately 300 million parsecs.” The Interstellar Expansion Authority responded by imposing a 15% fine on all matter that hasn’t filed its acceleration paperwork since 2012.

Meanwhile, the universe’s own 401(k) plan is now tracking its expansion rate against the S&P 500’s cosmic equivalent. According to the latest filing, the universe is “overqualified for retirement” but “underqualified for expansion.”

“This is about accountability,” said Cosmic Compliance Officer Brenda Wozniak. “The universe can’t keep expanding without proper documentation. We’re not saying the expansion should stop — we’re just saying it needs to be budgeted.”

The new rules have already affected major cosmic industries:

  • Galaxy Clusters: Now classified as “401(k) beneficiaries”
  • Cosmic Microwave Background: Required to file Form C-889 (Radiation Income Statement)
  • Gravitational Waves: Subject to new contribution thresholds

The Interstellar Expansion Authority warned that failure to comply could result in “cosmic delisting” from the observable universe registry.

“I’ve been expanding for 13.8 billion years,” Dark Energy’s spokesperson told reporters. “And now I need a quarterly review? This is absurd.”

Despite the bureaucratic chaos, some scientists are cautiously optimistic. “It might actually improve things,” says theoretical physicist Dr. Kenji Tanaka. “At least now we know where the money is going. No more black hole embezzlement.”

The filing deadline for the universe’s first quarter is next Tuesday, or else expansion rates will be capped at a paltry 67 km/s/Mpc — the minimum required by law.