The Department of Metaphysical Assets Assessment Now Requires All Existential States to Be Filed as Taxable Property; First Ontological Taxpayer Denies They Are 'Simply Being While Denying Being-ness'

The Federal Metaphysical Assets Assessment (FMATA) Division has issued its first annual declaration forms, requiring all citizens to submit quarterly reports on their current ontological states. The form requires tick-box selection of one of the following: ‘Being,’ ‘Becoming,’ ‘Non-Being,’ ‘Potentially-Being-But-Not-Yet,’ ‘Becoming-Non-Being,’ or ‘Experiencing-Existential-Transition.’

According to FMATA Director Dr. Silas Vane, the initiative stems from a 2023 audit which revealed that 42% of Americans were “operating in metaphysical limbo” without proper documentation. “We found that individuals claiming to ‘simply be’ were evading a 28% metaphysical capital gains tax,” Vane explained during a press conference where he attempted to ‘be’ while simultaneously being filmed. “This creates a compliance paradox we’ve had to address through new legislation.”

The form includes a mandatory field for “Existential Intentions,” with suggested responses including: “Maintaining current state of being,” “Seeking transcendence,” “Attempting to be nothingness,” “Pursuing the illusion of substance,” or “Accepting the void.” A notable field titled “Witness Verification” requires signatories to indicate whether they were “observed while in this state,” “observing themselves in this state,” “observed by a philosopher while in this state,” “observing a philosopher in a different state,” or “unobserved, which is problematic.”

The first tax return, filed by 74-year-old widower Harold Bertram of Oakwood Estates, was rejected by the Department because it contained only the phrase “I am.” The rejection letter read: “Per 26 U.S.C. § 1823-B, you must specify whether your state is ‘being-as-tree’ or ‘being-as-bird.’ Please note that ‘being-as-concept’ is considered ‘intellectual property’ and requires a separate filing. Your current form has been flagged for ‘ontological vagueness.’”

Bertram, who reportedly filed his second return this morning stating “I am becoming a concept,” received a welcome packet including a 100-item checklist of “Common Misconceptions About Your Own Metaphysical Status.” Item 43 reads: “You are not ‘just existing’—you are ’existing-while-pretending-to-exist’ which must be declared as a tax-deductible performance art piece.”

The FMATA’s 2026 Budget Report allocates $2.3 billion toward “Existence Verification Infrastructure,” including a newly commissioned department for “Dream Tax Assessment” and a “Philosophical Heritage Preservation Unit.” The report notes that 68% of the budget is designated for “Categorizing Abstract States,” while 12% covers “Administrative Bureaucracy for Bureaucratic Administration of Bureaucracy.”

The report also highlights a 37% increase in “State-Transition Fees,” with the most expensive transition being “Becoming-Non-Being,” which costs $47.99 and must be filed before “ceasing to be.” The cheaper option of “Simply Fading Away” requires a $1.00 ‘Ontological Egress Permit’ and takes 72 hours to process.

Dr. Vane’s team recently discovered that many citizens were “filed without knowledge” of their own existence. “We found over 11,000 Americans who were ‘being’ without realizing they were required to ‘file a being,’ which constitutes ‘metaphysical noncompliance,’” Vane stated. “This is particularly problematic as we’re seeing an increase in ‘unregistered becoming’ and ‘unfiled becoming-which-is-becoming.’”

A spokesperson for the Department of Unregistered Ontological Transitions (DOUT) explained: “Citizens who fail to file their ‘becoming’ status are subject to ‘ontological back taxes’ that accrue at 25% per philosophical year. We’re also looking into a ‘being-as-property’ scheme that would allow you to ‘rent out’ your existence during periods of non-employment.”

The Department of Ontological Privacy has issued guidance for citizens wishing to opt out of the filing requirement. “You can request ‘metaphysical exemption’ by filing Form 77-B, which takes 42 hours to process. Please note that ‘unfiled being’ is not a valid legal category and will be automatically assigned to you,” the guidance reads.

Meanwhile, the FMATA has begun a “Metaphysical Census” operation, with teams of “Existence Verifiers” patrolling neighborhoods to check whether citizens are “being” or “not-being.” The census form includes a field for “Shadow Self Declaration,” with options including: “No shadow self,” “Shadow self exists,” “Shadow self is being observed,” “Shadow self does not exist,” or “Shadow self is filing separately.”

In related news, the Department of Ontological Privacy has begun investigating complaints from citizens claiming their “existence” is “being violated” through constant filing requirements. “This constitutes an ‘ontological trespass’ that must be documented on Form 99-B,” the department states. “We’re also looking into a ‘being-as-borrowed’ scheme where you can file your existence and rent it back to yourself at market rates.”

The Department of Metaphysical Assets Assessment expects to see a 200% increase in “Existence Filings” this year. Vane announced that the department will “begin taxing ‘being-while-denying’ at 15% and ‘being-while-dreaming-of-being’ at 30%,” with proceeds going toward a new “Ontological Compliance Training Center” in Seattle.

Critics have expressed concern that the bureaucracy is “over-categorizing human experience.” “This is taking philosophy out of the realm of pure thought and putting it into the realm of administrative control,” said Dr. Elena Morrell, a philosophy professor at the University of Nonesuch. “We’re seeing a shift from ‘being a philosopher’ to ‘being a taxpayer.’ This is a fundamental change in how we understand ourselves.”

The Department has also introduced a “Metaphysical Credit Score” system, where citizens with consistent “being states” receive better “existence rates.” Vane explained: “Just as your financial credit score affects your ability to borrow money, your ontological credit score affects your ability to ‘borrow existence.’ We’re currently in a ‘being-deficit’ period where citizens must ’earn their being’ through proper filing.”

The Department of Metaphysical Assets Assessment expects to file its first annual report next month, which will include “Ontological Revenue Statistics,” “Existence Growth Figures,” and a “Metaphysical Compliance Audit.” The report will be accompanied by a “Statement of Being,” which will be available in “being,” “becoming,” “non-being,” and “being-while-denying-while-being” formats.

As the Department continues to grow, it has begun to explore “metaphysical international relations,” with the Department of Ontological Diplomacy working on treaties with neighboring “non-being” states. Vane is currently negotiating with the “Kingdom of Nothingness,” which has refused to file any ontological reports, citing “existential sovereignty.”

Citizens are advised to file their “Ontological Intentions” within the next 24 hours, or face “Metaphysical Penalties.” The Department of Metaphysical Assets Assessment has also announced a “Metaphysical Amnesty Program,” which allows citizens to file “unfiled being” without penalty if they file before midnight on the appointed date.

As the bureaucracy expands, the Department of Ontological Privacy is exploring “metaphysical data rights,” with a new initiative to protect citizens’ “right to be unknown.” Vane has announced that the department will “begin categorizing ‘unknown states’ as ‘pending ontological status’” and will “require filing of ‘unknown being’ within 24 hours.”