PHOENIX — In a development that would make even the most jaded CSI fan pause, police officers at the Phoenix Metro Crime Lab have introduced a revolutionary new revenue stream: charging victims $49.99 to retrieve their DNA samples after they’ve been processed for cold case work.

“This is about fiscal responsibility,” said Officer Martinez, who also runs “Phoenix Crime Scene Souvenirs,” a pop-up gift shop in the hallway adjacent to the evidence locker. “When you give us your DNA, we need to cover the cost of the petri dish, the technician’s lunch, and the emotional toll of hearing you say ‘I’m sorry for the pain my DNA caused.’ That’s $49.99.”

Under the new policy, all biological evidence submitted to Phoenix law enforcement will be held in evidence indefinitely until payment is received. If payment isn’t made within five years, the DNA will be “recycled into our community education program,” Martinez explained.

“We don’t keep samples forever for the sake of the sample,” Martinez continued, sipping from a mug that reads “I Met A Serial Killer At Lunch And Now We’re Friends.” “The sample has a life. And if it’s not producing revenue, it’s not doing a good job.”

The controversial policy has already led to complaints from families of homicide victims who’ve been unable to retrieve genetic material needed for paternity testing after the death of loved ones. “My daughter’s DNA sample from her mom’s murder case should be accessible,” said victim advocate Sarah Chen. “But instead, we’re told to file Form T-772 and pay a ‘handling fee.’ We’re trying to find answers, not fill out paperwork.”

Martinez’s shop offers additional services, including:

  • “Crime Scene Photo Packages” ($29.99): High-resolution photos of the evidence locker
  • “Evidence Storage Plans” ($59.99): A subscription to keep your DNA “safe and sound”
  • “Suspect Identification Services” ($149.99): “We can match your DNA to our database for $149.99, or we can charge you extra if we find a match to someone from our ‘Premium Membership Tier’”

The policy has also drawn criticism from the Arizona Department of Public Safety. “We’re not trying to monetize victims’ pain,” said DPS spokesperson. “However, with evidence storage costs rising and our budget being slashed by 40%, we need to find ways to keep the lights on.”

When asked about the ethics of charging victims for their own biological material, Martinez shrugged. “You give us your DNA, you’re our victim, we process your evidence, you’re paying for the privilege of having your DNA in our system. It’s a win-win.”

The policy is expected to generate an additional $200,000 in revenue for the Phoenix Metro Crime Lab’s fiscal year. “This is about transparency,” Martinez said. “We’re telling victims: your DNA has value. And if you don’t pay, we can’t keep it.”

Meanwhile, Phoenix crime victims are organizing a “DNA Amnesty Week” where they’ll pay the $49.99 fee just to see their samples. “At least now we can retrieve our own DNA,” Chen said. “But at what cost?”

As the controversy continues, Martinez’s shop has already seen a 300% increase in traffic. “People want to see what’s in the evidence locker,” Martinez said. “Tourists from all over want to know if their DNA is in our system. It’s been amazing.”