JAMAICA — Scientists at the National Institutes of Health announced today that they’ve identified a specific genus in the mouse microbiome that aids weight loss, but before anyone can use this discovery to help patients shed pounds, the genus must first complete 14 environmental impact statements and obtain clearance from the EPA regarding its intended metabolic output.

“We were blown away by the data,” said Dr. Aris Thorne, lead researcher at NIH. “We found a new Methylobacterium strain that appears to metabolize stored triglycerides with 300 percent greater efficiency than existing gut flora. But before we publish, we need to ensure the bacteria doesn’t ‘pollute’ the digestive tract by reducing caloric intake.”

“This is a breakthrough that will revolutionize obesity treatment, but we also need to consider whether this bacterial genus qualifies for protected status under the Endangered Species Act,” said EPA spokesperson Maria Gonzalez. “What if the Methylobacterium achieves endangered species designation, making it illegal for humans to consume?”

The implications ripple outward, as each department now claims jurisdiction over the tiny, wiggling organisms. The FDA argues the bacteria falls under new food additive regulations, while the CDC says it needs to be classified under their pathogen tracking protocols. The Justice Department is reportedly drafting a brief arguing that the Methylobacterium strain should be prosecuted for “unauthorized weight reduction activities” that could destabilize the global economy.

“We’ve already received 87 complaints from diet industries,” said FDA commissioner James Wilson. “They’re claiming this genus gives them ‘unfair competitive advantage,’ even though they’re already using bacteria to help people digest food.”

The situation has now reached a bureaucratic impasse. Last week, a Methylobacterium sample was sent to the WHO for classification, where it spent 17 days in quarantine waiting for its paperwork to be processed. The sample sat in a sterile container while a UN advisory committee met to determine whether the bacteria qualifies for human consumption certification.

Meanwhile, the researchers are scrambling to publish their findings before the sample gets stuck in customs. Dr. Thorne told reporters, “We need to get this out before someone from the Department of Agriculture tells us the bacteria is a ‘domesticated food product’ that requires additional labeling.”

In a separate development, the NIH has filed a patent application claiming the Methylobacterium strain as a “biological asset” under the new Biotech Industry Act. The patent includes 23 pages of legal jargon about “exclusive licensing rights” and “commercial viability,” even though the bacteria’s main function appears to be helping mice lose weight.

“We’re exploring a licensing model where pharmaceutical companies can obtain ‘bacterial rights’ for a fee,” said Dr. Thorne. “Think of it like mineral rights for land, but for gut flora.”

The industry is already taking notice. Several venture capital firms are reportedly lining up to fund “microbiome extraction operations,” though their investors are questioning whether the bacteria is actually a resource or simply a natural part of life. “We’ve seen this before,” said venture capitalist Elena Park. “Remember the algae boom? The ocean was suddenly ‘depleting’ because everyone forgot it’s just where algae lives naturally.”

The situation has now gotten so bureaucratic that a Methylobacterium colony at Johns Hopkins has been placed under 21-hour-a-day surveillance by security personnel. Guards report that the bacteria is being monitored for “unauthorized fat-metabolizing activities” and “interference with human caloric balance.”

In the meantime, obese mice at the NIH facility are reportedly undergoing bureaucratic weight-loss certification before researchers can begin experiments. Each mouse must fill out a form declaring its “current fat percentage” and obtain a “diagnosis clearance” from the Veterans Affairs office. The mice are now part of a formal “Obesity Management Program” that requires quarterly check-ins and participation in a “wellness initiative.”

“We’re also considering a ‘wellness subscription model’ for the Methylobacterium,” said Dr. Thorne. “Researchers would pay a monthly fee to ‘access’ the bacterial strain, similar to how they pay for lab equipment.”

The irony is not lost on researchers. Before the study was published, the NIH team spent three days filling out regulatory forms. They also had to obtain a permit from the Department of Homeland Security arguing that the bacteria doesn’t qualify as a “biohazard” despite its potential to transform the obesity crisis.

As for the mice, they’re reportedly waiting for their animal welfare certification before researchers can proceed. Each mouse must now sign a “consent form” (though the researchers admit the mice don’t speak English), and the experiment has been classified as “Phase 3 Regulatory Review.”

The Methylobacterium strain, meanwhile, has been added to the NIH’s “Priority Research Organisms” list, which includes a warning: “Handle with care. This bacterial genus may now require an additional layer of oversight and paperwork.”

Researchers say they’ll keep working on the study, but the publication date keeps getting pushed back by regulatory hurdles. As of last week, the paper was still waiting for approval from the Office of Science and Technology Policy to be filed with Congress.

“We’re making progress,” said Dr. Thorne. “But we’re also filing a complaint with the Federal Trade Commission about ‘unfair competition’ from bacteria that exist naturally in the environment.”

In the meantime, the mice at the NIH are waiting. Their fat metabolism is on hold. Their paperwork is incomplete. Their lives are paused. And the bureaucracy keeps grinding along.