WASHINGTON, D.C. — The punchline to your tweet has become less of a spontaneous creative expression and more of a regulatory filing requiring a three-page justification, two expert witnesses, and a $47 annual membership fee to the newly-formed Federal Comedy Commission (FCC-Comedy).

According to a draft memo released this morning, all punchlines containing more than six syllables must be submitted for review by the Office of Humor Safety Oversight before public distribution.

“I don’t think the public needs to hear another joke about politicians,” said Dr. Arlene Varnum, interim Director of the Office of Humor Safety, who declined to comment further beyond a statement that she is “still processing” whether the word “potato” counts as a political entity in this new regulatory framework.

The commission was established following last month’s “Comedy Compliance Crisis,” during which seven stand-up specials were removed from major platforms for allegedly containing “unauthorized metaphors” regarding current events.

Under the new rules, comedians and content creators must file a Humor Risk Assessment Form alongside their material. The forms now require creators to specify whether their joke contains:

  • Tier 1: Direct political references (requires 3 signatures from unrelated third parties)
  • Tier 2: Social commentary requiring expert review
  • Tier 3: Self-deprecating humor which must be pre-approved by a licensed therapist

“You can still tell jokes,” Varnum explained during a press conference in a conference room decorated with motivational posters reading “Keep Joking” and “Don’t Take Yourself Too Seriously,” “but you have to prove first that your joke won’t cause public distress. And if it does, you need to fill out Form 8-B-Δ before you can speak publicly again.”

The bureaucratic process has created a new category of employment: Humor Compliance Officers, who now earn $89,400 annually (according to federal wage guides) reviewing thousands of punchlines daily.

“I just spent 45 minutes reviewing a comedian’s material about a failed date,” said Marcus Thorne, Compliance Officer Level 3, “and they had to submit proof that the ex was actually ‘real’ and not an AI-generated hallucination, which required three biometric scans and a notarized affidavit.”

The commission has also established a Laughter Verification Protocol requiring all punchlines to contain at least one verified human laugh track before approval.

“We had one case last week where the comedian’s audience was so impressed by the setup that they laughed before the punchline,” said Sarah Chen, Lead Laughter Auditor. “We had to issue a Correction Notice 2024-089 and resubmit the entire set. Turns out the audience’s laughter counted against the joke’s authenticity, not its approval.”

The system has created what experts call a “Comedy Paradox”: the more you try to make your material acceptable, the more the material loses its original intent and becomes boring.

“I wrote a joke about the weather,” said comedian Dave Rostkowski, who has since filed for bankruptcy after his insurance coverage was denied following a Humor Safety Violation for suggesting that raindrops were “sadly shaped,” “but the punchline got rejected because it didn’t include a Disaster Preparedness Certification,” Rostkowski told reporters before leaving for a job at a Corporate Compliance Compliance Review Agency.

The FCC-Comedy has also begun issuing Humor Impact Warranties, which cost $327 and guarantee that your joke won’t cause “emotional distress” to any verified demographics.

“If your joke about a cat falls asleep on a keyboard causes a Productivity Incident in a workplace setting, we’ll send you a Compensation Form,” said Varnum, “but you have to submit a Workplace Safety Affidavit first proving your cat was ’licensed’ for public interaction.”

The regulation has also created a new category of crime: Unauthorized Laughter, which carries penalties up to five years or a $215,000 fine.

“We’ve had to arrest three people this week for laughing at a Non-Approved Joke without proper clearance,” said Thorne, “but they weren’t able to laugh in court because the judge required a Laughter Permit before we could show evidence.”

The irony has not escaped observers, who note that the commission’s own announcement was submitted via a Digital Form 10-B requiring a Notary Stamp and Human Verification Code.

As of today, the FCC-Comedy has rejected approximately 14,283 punchlines from registered creators, citing violations such as:

  • Use of unlicensed humor metaphors
  • Unauthorized cross-referencing of unrelated news events
  • Improper timing relative to current events
  • Insufficient human verification of emotional impact

The commission has stated that it will continue to expand its regulatory reach, with future initiatives expected to include Approval of Metaphors and Review of Word Choice for Regulatory Compliance.

“I think the next phase will involve Mandatory Laughter Training for all citizens,” said Varnum, “and we’re already working on a Laughter Safety Inspection for residential properties. We’d like to hear your thoughts on whether bathroom mirrors should be Laughter-Permitted surfaces.”

For more information on filing a punchline or reporting a Humor Safety Violation, visit the FCC-Comedy Online Portal, where you can submit your application with a $14.99 fee, a government-issued ID, and a Laughter Verification Code.