AUSTIN, Texas — In a stunning revelation that sent rent prices tumbling before rising again, a new algorithm called The Tenant Trust™ has begun automatically screening applicants for “emotional compatibility” before they’re even shown the apartment.

The software, developed by a startup housed in a converted warehouse in North Austin that smells faintly of burnt coffee and desperation, now evaluates whether you’re the right kind of lonely for a community that claims to thrive on “shared values.”

According to Dr. Marni Patel, Chief Algorithmic Officer of Tenant Trust, “If an applicant’s social media posts suggest they might need a hobby group more than a roommate, we recommend they look elsewhere. Our data shows that people who’ve posted about wanting to ‘sit in silence’ with their cat have a 63% chance of becoming toxic roommates within six months.”

“We believe in emotional fitness,” Patel said. “If you’re not ready to laugh at yourself, you’re not ready for us. And if you’re not ready to laugh at yourself, we don’t rent to you.”

The company’s screening process has already rejected over 8,400 applicants this month alone, with 92% of those rejections happening within 0.3 seconds of the applicant completing their online form.

The system, trained on data harvested from 2.4 million apartment listings across the Southeast, scores applicants on a proprietary metric called the Vibe Coefficient™. Scores above 87.3% indicate you’re perfect for a community. Scores between 78–87.3% indicate you’re probably okay. Scores below 78% indicate you’re a risk to the peace.

The software’s decision matrix includes factors like:

  • How many times you’ve liked a post about mental health resources
  • Whether your Google Photos gallery contains more than three self-portraits taken in 2024
  • The total number of hours you’ve spent alone since midnight last Friday
  • Whether you’ve posted about wanting to be “in a good place” recently

“People are weird,” said Patel. “We can tell if you’re weird. And if you’re weird enough to be in a weird place, that’s great. But if you’re just weird, that’s a problem for us.”

Tenants who have been approved report their experience as mostly positive, with the only downside being that the software’s “emotional compatibility check” now extends to their pets, friends, and even the way they breathe.

One resident, 32-year-old graphic designer Alex Chen, described the experience as “intense.” “I spent three days trying to get my cat to stop looking at me like I was the enemy,” Chen said. “My AI roommate, Tenant™ 42, tells me to ‘focus on the future.’ My landlord, who I’ve never met, told me they don’t want someone like me. I think I’m going to move to a place that’s not smart.”

Another tenant, a retired teacher named Brenda Martinez, said she’s been told to “stop thinking about the past” because the algorithm detected “excessive nostalgia” in her writing samples.

“They know me,” Martinez said. “They know I’ve been through a lot. But they don’t know the good. They just know the bad. And the bad is enough to keep me out.”

The controversy has already sparked a new movement: The Right to Be Human Homeowners, a grassroots organization demanding that landlords stop using technology to screen out people who “don’t fit the profile.”

The group’s petition has collected 1.4 million signatures in 10 days, with supporters including former tech workers, gig economy drivers, and people who’ve been rejected from apartments for “looking too tired.”

“The housing crisis is real,” said petition organizer Samira Khan. “We’re being told that we’re too lonely, too tired, too broken. But what they don’t tell us is that they’re broken. They’re using AI to make decisions based on what’s profitable, not what’s human.”

The housing market’s current struggles have been exacerbated by the software’s widespread adoption, with rental prices in affected areas seeing a 23% increase in just six months.

The Department of Housing and Urban Development has responded by launching The Fair Housing Algorithm, which aims to help renters navigate the new landscape of “emotional compatibility” screening.

“We’re working with tech companies to create a system that’s fair for everyone,” said HUD spokesperson David Wong. “But we’re also working on a system that’s more fair. So that’s what we’re working on.”

For now, would-be renters are being advised to:

  • Practice being “relaxed” before their screening
  • Post more about “having fun” on social media
  • Avoid taking too many selfies
  • Not mention that they’re tired of their current housing situation
  • Make sure their pet is happy with them before applying

The software’s developers claim their tool is “designed to help people find their perfect match,” though the phrase “perfect match” has now become an unofficial euphemism for “we’ll let you in if you’re not too weird.”

The tech giant behind the software has declined to comment on the controversy, saying instead that “we’re building a better future.” A future where the future isn’t your problem anymore.

As the sun sets on another day of automated housing decisions, one thing is clear: the smart home isn’t as smart as it claims. And for those who can’t afford the rent of a smart apartment, the only option is to find a place that doesn’t know their name.