NEW YORK — In a development that should come as little surprise to anyone who has ever tried to ship a consumer good across an international border, the U.S. Trade Representative has announced that tariff classifications will henceforth require peer-reviewed academic papers.

“This is not a bug, it is a feature,” said Dr. Amanda Henderson, Chief Tariff Classification Officer at the Department of Commerce, during a press conference in which she simultaneously filed Form T-9997 (Section 8, Subclause: Non-Obvious Interpretations of ‘Cotton’). “We are moving away from flat percentage tariffs toward a new paradigm of tariffable knowledge. If you cannot explain to a panel of three customs agents why your product qualifies for a 12% duty rate, the IRS will charge your entire LLC for the privilege of existing.”

“Our team has been working around the clock to develop the new Tariff Validation Protocol, which requires suppliers to submit three independent expert reviews, a full chain-of-custody audit, and a sworn affidavit stating that their ‘manufacturing process’ is not actually illegal,” Henderson said. “This is the most rigorous, thorough, and intellectually honest approach to international trade since the invention of the alphabet.”

The implications are dire for small manufacturers. According to a leaked memo from the Federal Trade Commission, the average small business now needs to allocate 42.3 hours per month to filing paperwork before they can even sell a widget.

“The new Tariff Compliance Suite costs $4,899 for a standard package, but we’ve also launched an ‘Enterprise Edition’ for Fortune 500 companies at $29,999 that includes unlimited access to our ‘Customs Law Interpretation Engine’ which, in the words of our CEO, ‘will help you avoid the subtle nuances of Section 303 of the Trade Adjustment Assistance Act’,” said James Miller, Head of Compliance Operations. “The ‘Standard’ version is for those who are ‘comfortable with risk and regulatory ambiguity.’”

The situation has left many consumer goods companies scrambling. “We tried to explain that our $5 t-shirts were ‘made in the U.S.A.’ but the Department of Commerce said the phrase ‘Made in the U.S.A.’ is ambiguous and could be interpreted as ‘made in a country that claims to be American’ or ‘made in a country that has a claim on the U.S.A.’ and therefore required a 22-page legal brief to clarify,” said Marcus Chen, a mid-sized apparel manufacturer. “They also said that ‘Made in the U.S.A.’ could mean ‘Made in the U.S.A. by a citizen who claims to be American’ and that this was ‘a significant regulatory ambiguity’ that needed to be addressed.”

The Department of Commerce is also launching a new initiative called “Tariff Transparency Initiative 2.0” which will provide consumers with “real-time” updates on “how tariffs are calculated” via a blockchain ledger that “will help you understand exactly how much your consumer good costs” — though it will not include your actual purchase price, just the “theoretical” cost before taxes and duties are applied.

“Our goal is to increase consumer awareness and transparency in the tariff system,” said Henderson. “We believe that if you know exactly how your consumer good is taxed, you will be more likely to make informed purchasing decisions and avoid ‘surprise’ costs at checkout.”

Critics are already calling the new regulations a “regulatory nightmare” that will “crush small businesses and hurt consumers.” The Chamber of Commerce released a statement calling on the administration to “reverse course immediately.”

The Department of Commerce responded: “The new regulations are the most progressive and thorough tariff system in history. We will not budge.”

“We’re also working on ‘Tariff Simplification,’ which means making our already complex regulations even more complex,” Miller said. “We think that’s a good thing, because ‘complexity is a feature, not a bug.’”

The new regulations are scheduled to go into effect next month, at which point the Department of Commerce plans to release a “Tariff Compliance Calculator” that will allow businesses to calculate their “tariff exposure” before filing paperwork — and a “risk assessment” that will tell you whether you’re likely to get audited.

As the Department of Commerce continues to expand its tariff bureaucracy, one thing is clear: the new regulations will make buying a t-shirt more complicated than filing for bankruptcy.

This article was fact-checked by a panel of 12 customs agents and 3 lawyers, reviewed by the Department of Commerce’s Tariff Compliance Review Board, and filed with Form T-9997 (Section 8, Subclause: Non-Obvious Interpretations of ‘Cotton’).