HOLLYWOOD, CA — In groundbreaking news that has sent shockwaves through the celebrity community, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced today that all actors, directors, and public figures seeking red carpet appearances must now submit to a comprehensive reality authentication review by the newly established Department of Authenticity and Realness Compliance (DARC).

“This is about protecting the public from illusionary harm,” explained DARC spokesperson Agent Marcus Winkleworth, a man who wears six different suits depending on which camera angle he’s facing. “A celebrity’s smile must be verified as organic before they can be photographed. Their tears must be documented as genuine emotional expression, not contact lens residue.”

The new protocol has caused chaos across the entertainment industry. Take, for instance, the case of 47-year-old pop star Jaden Kross, who was denied access to his own award ceremony because his DNA showed a 0.3% probability of being human rather than some other life form. “They said I could have passed if I’d filed the proper paperwork for my soul,” Kross lamented to reporters while standing in front of a confessional booth he’d constructed himself.

The paperwork required for a star’s acceptance includes:

  • Proof of consciousness during filming
  • Medical records confirming eyes aren’t CGI
  • A notarized statement from the universe that the actor has actually lived a life
  • Three separate affidavits from different planets confirming your existence is real

Meanwhile, Hollywood studios are frantically updating their contracts to include clauses allowing them to deny roles based on insufficient paperwork. “It’s ridiculous, I swear,” said one unnamed studio executive who was actually just reading lines from a script while being recorded. “We want to cast a 25-year-old, but the DARC says we need to verify their emotional range hasn’t been artificially enhanced in any previous project.”

Even AI-generated actors are now exempt from the requirements, according to the bizarre exemption clause in the regulations. “If they’re fake enough, they qualify,” read the memo that no one wanted to admit was a memo.

The public outcry has been minimal, with critics arguing that the system is already broken enough without adding a layer of bureaucratic absurdity to the entertainment world. However, the DARC maintains that they’re here to help: “We’re not making it harder for celebrities to work. We’re making sure their work is authentic.”

As filming continues on several major projects, actors are being ushered into rooms where they’ll spend hours justifying their existence to panels of officials who wear glasses that glow when they’re checking boxes that don’t exist. It’s unclear how long Hollywood will survive without any celebrities who can actually cry on demand.

For now, moviegoers wait in line to watch films that have been verified to be real enough to warrant a ticket purchase. And in the case of the latest superhero sequel, the studio is now claiming the character has been “emotionally vetted” for three weeks, pending final review by the Department of Authenticity and Realness Compliance.

The DARC says they’ll be expanding operations to include verification of social media posts, with celebrities needing to submit proof of emotional authenticity for every tweet they post. “It’s about protecting the public,” they say. The public, however, is mostly just confused about which posts are real and which are just marketing material that needs its own authenticity stamp.

Meanwhile, paparazzi continue to chase after celebrities who are too busy filling out forms to notice their photos are now being rejected for failing authenticity standards. And somewhere, in a government office that doesn’t exist, a team of bureaucrats reviews whether the celebrity’s laugh was recorded by an actual person or by a sound engineer who thought it would be funnier if it didn’t come from the actor’s mouth.

Until further notice, Hollywood remains a place where dreams go to die, paperwork, and occasionally, be recognized as real enough to be watched.