SAN FRANCISCO — When Verity Labs founder Raj Patel announced today that his new wearable device would “measure moral fitness in real-time,” the company’s stock price jumped 12% before falling 8% when the company revealed they had no idea what that actually meant.

The device, officially named the Verity Band and shaped like a slightly thicker Apple Watch, allegedly uses “proprietary neural algorithms” to track a wearer’s social credit score by analyzing their proximity to other people, their phone screen time, and whether they’ve smiled at a stranger.

“We’re not just measuring your productivity,” Patel said during a press conference where he demonstrated the device by wearing it while talking to a press pool and allegedly looking away from a journalist who asked a question. “We’re measuring your soul.”

The Verity Band’s social credit score, which Patel claims can be improved by “performing good deeds, maintaining eye contact, and avoiding controversial political discussions,” ranges from “Golden Citizen” to “Shadow Broker.” According to company documentation leaked during the press conference, users earning a “Shadow Broker” score may experience their insurance premiums rising, while those with a “Golden Citizen” rating are allegedly eligible for discounts on coffee and social media ad targeting.

A representative for the company told reporters that the device would not actually measure moral worth, but rather “correlation signals that have historically aligned with socially approved behaviors.”

When asked whether the device could be programmed to rate users poorly for things like being late to meetings or not replying to Slack messages within 24 hours, Patel said the algorithm was “fluid and evolved based on community input.”

Industry analysts are already worried. The International Union of Working People reportedly filed a class-action lawsuit yesterday against the device after three of their members allegedly received a “Shadow Broker” score for sleeping too soundly, which the company claims is “a form of avoidance behavior.”

According to a company press release, the Verity Band will launch in beta next month, with early adopters required to “opt into our values assessment” and sign a 19-page agreement that allegedly waives their right to question the algorithm’s decisions.

“We are committed to creating a future where everyone can be their best self,” Patel said, who was wearing the device during the interview and allegedly received a +0.5 social credit score for “maintaining composure while discussing a product he didn’t understand.”

Meanwhile, the device’s beta program reportedly includes a “Community Rating” feature that allows users to vote on each other’s moral standing. Early testers claim the experience has been “disorienting” and “made them question everything they thought they knew about themselves and the world around them.”

One early adopter, who asked to remain anonymous because their Verity score was allegedly lowered after they admitted to enjoying the movie The Room, told reporters: “I feel like I’m living in a surveillance state where my entire personality is being quantified and monetized. At first I was angry, but now I just want to be nice to the barista and smile more broadly.”

Another beta tester, who is apparently a retired accountant, said the device was “too much work to calibrate.” “I tried to earn points by walking my dog,” they said, “but apparently walking a Golden Retriever counts as ‘animal exploitation’ in the Verity algorithm. That was confusing.”

Competitors are taking notice. Apple is reportedly considering a version of their health band that will track whether users are “being productive” by measuring heart rate variability during Zoom calls. Google is allegedly working on a device that will score users based on “their ability to stay focused while reading news about climate change.”

Privacy advocates have expressed concern. “This is exactly what we’ve been warning about,” said Dr. Emily Chen of the Digital Civil Rights Coalition. “Companies are trying to commodify your soul and sell it back to you in a monthly subscription plan.”

When asked whether the company had any plans to charge users for their social credit scores, Patel said the Verity Band would operate on a “freemium model” where basic morality tracking is free, but advanced features like “Moral Optimization Coaching” and “Shadow Broker Recovery Plans” require a premium subscription.

The Verity Band is expected to launch at a price point of $299, with early bird pricing available for users who can prove their “alignment with our core values.”

As the tech industry continues to push the boundaries of what devices can measure, one thing is clear: if you’re going to be a digital citizen in 2026, you better be ready to be judged by a machine that thinks your value is measured by how many people you make smile.