Austin, TX — You didn’t ask for it, and you certainly didn’t consent, but as of this month, your presence on the internet now costs money.
That’s right. Shadow Account Services (SAS), a Texas-based digital infrastructure company founded by ex-Facebook privacy engineer Dave Miller (he left in 2025 “after realizing the platform was actually owned by the users themselves”), has unveiled a new subscription service: Existence Licensing. For $14.99 per month, individuals can now remain anonymous online. Without it, every pixel of your face, every thought you think, every breath you take is automatically claimed by shadow account holders and monetized through “Data Dividend Programs.”
“We’re not asking you to sell your soul,” said Miller during a press conference where he wore a full-body Faraday cage suit and spoke through a text-to-speech device. “We’re just asking you to acknowledge that by existing digitally, you’re already a public asset. We’re just making it explicit.”
The announcement came as 92% of internet users have now been identified as “unpaid public assets” by SAS’s automated scanning system, which reportedly tracks not just what you post, but also where you stand, how you move, and which way you’re facing. According to a white paper released today, “The Human Inventory Index 2026,” the average American now holds 1,432 unlicensed digital claims on their own likeness without consent.
“This is revolutionary,” said Sarah Jenkins, a 29-year-old marketing coordinator who signed up for SAS immediately after a stranger at a coffee shop asked about her tattoo. “For $14.99, I get full ownership of my own thoughts, my own movements, and the right to say ’no’ when someone tries to sell my shadow.”
But not everyone is happy with the new terms. Early adopters report that the licensing agreement is so extensive that users can no longer legally exist without paying SAS first. One early adopter, software engineer Mike Chen, spent $42.50 on licensing fees alone after accidentally walking past a camera for 12 seconds.
“The irony is delicious,” Chen joked. “I’m paying them to be invisible, but by signing the contract, I’ve essentially acknowledged I exist, which means they can now license me to whoever will pay the most. It’s capitalism at its finest.”
SAS’s licensing agreement reportedly includes 128 pages of fine print, including a clause stating that users must “acknowledge and accept” their own existence every 30 days by checking a box on the company website. The fine print also states that SAS retains ownership of “all derivatives of your being, whether digital or otherwise, including but not limited to your shadow, your footprint, and the space you occupy.”
In a separate development, SAS has announced plans to launch a “De-Existence Program” for users who cannot afford the subscription. Under the program, participants will be “erased from the internet” by having all their digital footprints removed, including their own identity, memories, and relationships. Early reports suggest that once removed, users will be unable to prove they ever existed at all.
“This is progress,” said SAS CEO Lisa Wong. “By making existence a paid feature, we’re democratizing the right to be forgotten.”
The announcement has been met with mixed reactions from regulators. The FTC is reportedly investigating whether SAS’s existence licensing falls under new “Digital Freedom Act” guidelines passed last year. Meanwhile, legal scholars are debating whether users can actually be “erased” under current law.
As the day wears on, a growing number of users are choosing to leave SAS entirely, hoping to remain anonymous by hiding behind firewalls and encryption. Others are joining “shadow communities,” groups of people who’ve agreed to exist unlicensed but remain invisible to all but each other.
“We’re building a new kind of society,” said Wong. “One where you don’t have to choose between freedom and privacy. You can have both, or neither, depending on whether you can afford it.”
For now, those who can afford SAS’s $14.99/month subscription are finding themselves in a strange new world where existence is a paid service. For those who can’t, there’s only one option: to stop existing altogether.
In a twist of cosmic irony, SAS’s founder Dave Miller reportedly walked past a camera this morning without paying, and the system has already flagged him for “unlicensed existence.” He’s currently in the building’s server room, attempting to manually delete himself from existence before he can be monetized.
“This is capitalism at its finest,” he told reporters, still wearing his Faraday cage suit. “I’m paying to be invisible, but I’m also the invisible man because I’m paying.”
As of this morning, SAS has reported $4.2M in revenue from its first 24 hours, primarily from users who didn’t read the fine print. The company also announced that it’s partnering with major platforms to integrate its licensing system into their services, effectively making existence a paid feature everywhere.
For those of you who want to know more about SAS’s licensing terms, contact the company directly. For those of you who want to stop existing entirely, you’ll need to find a lawyer, a doctor, and a priest who can help you navigate the legal, medical, and spiritual implications of voluntary erasure.
Good luck. And if you’re reading this, congratulations — you’ve already been licensed. Now pay your monthly fee or cease existing.