Community Notice

LARRY'S DISCOUNT CREMATION

Fast. Cheap. No questions asked. Larry handles everything so you don't have to think about it.

1-800-LARRY-NOW

*Larry is not a licensed funeral director.

Community Notice

DR. SCHMITT'S MIRACLE KNEE CREAM

As seen on Channel 47 local access. Rub it on. Feel something. Results may vary wildly.

Order 2 jars, get a 3rd jar FREE

*Not approved by any medical board.

Community Notice

LEARN 2 DRIVE DRIVING SCHOOL

Patient instructors. Flexible hours. Only 3 students hospitalized this year (down from 7).

Call (555) 847-2391

*Instructors wear helmets for unrelated reasons.

Community Notice

BOB'S BAIL BONDS

In trouble? Bob's here. Open 24/7. Cash only. We take most charges. No murder. Probably.

BOB GETS YOU OUT

*Bob cannot guarantee you stay out.

Community Notice

CHUCK'S UNLICENSED DENTISTRY

Why wait six months for an appointment? Chuck pulls teeth out of his garage. Tools sterilized weekly.

Extractions $40, Fillings $60

*Chuck is licensed to operate a forklift, which is similar.

Community Notice

MARGARET'S EMOTIONAL SUPPORT GEESE

Therapy dogs are over. Geese are the future. Aggressive, loyal, judgmental. Margaret has 40 of them.

Adopt-a-Goose: $25 + tetanus shot

*Goose may bond with you. Goose may also attack you. Both.

Community Notice

KENNY'S USED CPAP MACHINES

Pre-loved sleep apnea equipment. Lightly worn. Sanitized with Febreze. Sleep like SOMEONE ELSE again.

Layaway available — no credit check

*Kenny does not know what a CPAP is. They were in a storage unit he won.

Community Notice

PASTOR DAN'S DISCOUNT EXORCISMS

Demons got you down? Pastor Dan removes them in 20 minutes or less, or your soul is free. Also does kids' parties.

Two-for-one Tuesdays

*Pastor Dan was de-frocked but found a new frock at Goodwill.

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Community Notice

QUANTUM DIVORCE ATTORNEYS

We'll take your case even if you're clearly in the wrong. Aggressive. Affordable. Slightly disbarred.

Free consultation (15 min max)

*Outcomes not guaranteed. Previous clients not available for comment.

Community Notice

VINCE'S DISCOUNT LASER EYE SURGERY

Why pay vision-center prices? Vince trained on YouTube and has done this dozens of times. Cash only.

Starting at $199 per eye

*Bring a driver. Or a seeing-eye dog. Both recommended.

Community Notice

AI-PROOF YOUR CAREER SEMINAR

Local motivational guru Gary Plunkett reveals 9 secrets the robots DON'T want you to know. Light refreshments.

Saturdays, 10am, Holiday Inn Rm 4B

*Gary was recently replaced by an AI. He adapted.

Community Notice

DALE'S NOTARY & TATTOO

One stop shop. Get your documents notarized AND a sick tattoo in the same visit. Walk-ins welcome.

Ask about the combo deal

*Dale is legally notarized to notarize. Tattoos not covered by warranty.

Community Notice

PAM'S PSYCHIC TAX PREP

Pam channels the IRS spirit guides to find deductions THEY don't want you to find. Audits handled telepathically.

$199 + crystals (mandatory)

*Pam is not affiliated with the actual IRS. The IRS has asked us to clarify this.

Community Notice

GREG'S BOUNCY HOUSE & DEMOLITION

Birthday party Saturday, controlled implosion Sunday. Greg owns one truck and uses it for both.

Book early — Greg gets confused

*Please specify which service when booking. We mean it.

Community Notice

THE CRYPTO RECOVERY CHURCH

Lost your seed phrase? Pastor Brad leads weekly prayer circles to summon back your wallet. Tithing accepted in fiat.

Sundays 9am — bring your hardware wallet

*No wallets have been recovered. Faith remains strong.

Community Notice

JANELLE'S RAW WATER COLLECTIVE

Unfiltered. Untreated. Straight from a creek Janelle knows about. Your immune system will THANK you. Or won't.

$12/gallon — bring your own jug

*Janelle is not legally permitted to call this 'water.' She calls it 'wet earth juice.'