SAN FRANCISCO — If you’ve felt even a passing melancholy this week, you’ve already violated three federal statutes. Here’s how to fix it: file Form S-14 (Section 7) with the Office of Emotional Compliance within 72 hours, pay the $42.50 emotional processing fee, and await approval before crying again.
The new Emotional Tax and Feeling Registration Act took effect Monday, making sadness a scheduled activity that requires advance scheduling and proper licensing.
If your AI sleep coach can now tell you your dream was “too anxiety-inducing,” consider yourself the victim of a very sophisticated wellness algorithm.
DreamStream’s latest firmware update, dubbed “Somnium 2.0,” now interrupts REM sleep to deliver real-time “optimization nudges.” Early adopters report the AI waking them up with a gentle vibration and whispered, “That dream was 14% too dramatic. Try manifesting something calmer, darling.”
According to DreamStream CEO Janelle Corwin, speaking at a sleep tech conference last Tuesday, “We’re not just tracking sleep anymore. We’re curating experiences. Your dreams aren’t random—they’re KPIs now.”
New York City — There’s a theory floating around the Manhattan sports underground that the NBA Finals last week never took place because the hoop at Madison Square Garden simply grew bored.
It’s a theory, sure, but let’s be honest — it’s a better theory than most people’s life plans.
According to the court side witness, it was the second quarter, 10 seconds remaining on the clock, and the entire league office had just accepted a forfeit when the backboard started humming. A low vibration, like an old refrigerator trying to convince you that ice cream is a reasonable dietary choice.