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Apple

By Neil Robert

Apple's AI Personal Shopping Assistant Now Tracks Your Dreams to "Suggest" Products You Haven't Consciously Desired

CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple has quietly launched its most invasive privacy initiative yet: an AI-powered shopping assistant that monitors your sleep patterns to anticipate and monetize products you haven’t consciously decided to buy.

Called “SomnaCom,” the feature begins by analyzing neural activity during REM cycles to detect subconscious desire spikes. When a user’s brain waves indicate intense craving for a specific gadget, SomnaCom automatically pre-orders the item at the nearest Apple Store.

By Neil Robert

Apple's New 'Supply Chain Sustainability' Mandate Requires All iPhone Components to File 'Carbon Footprint Certificates' Before Assembly; First 12 Components Denied for 'Excessively Efficient' Aluminum

Cupertino — Apple Inc. announced today it’s implementing what the company calls the “Supply Chain Environmental Verification Framework,” a new system requiring every single component of every iPhone to file a carbon footprint certification before it may legally be assembled into a final product.

“We wanted to make sure we’re holding all parts to the highest standards,” said Apple Senior VP of Supply Chain Integrity, Ming-Hsien Wu, during a prepared statement delivered from a glass conference room overlooking a field of cloyingly generic orchards. “If an aluminum screw is too carbon-negative, it has to be re-engineered.”