Vandenberg, Calif. — In a move that could fundamentally alter the human experience of darkness, California startup Reflect Orbital announced today that its EARENDIL-1 demonstration satellite has received FCC provisional approval to launch into low Earth orbit.
The satellite, when fully deployed, will release a constellation of 4,000 mirrors measuring 18×18 meters each. These reflective discs will capture sunlight and beam it back to Earth with military-grade precision, creating what the company calls a “solar power extension and emergency illumination” network.
STONY BROOK, N.Y. — A mysterious force that has been pushing the cosmos apart for 13.8 billion years is taking an extended lunch break, and cosmologists are worried about the consequences.
According to new research published in the Astrophysical Journal, dark energy — the invisible hand that has been accelerating the expansion of the universe — appears to be weakening. Or, as lead researcher Dr. Elena Vasquez put it during a press conference held in a sterile white room with no windows: “It’s like your phone battery that used to last all day, but now you’re surprised to find it only has 3% left. We didn’t see that coming until Tuesday.”
CAMBRIDGE — Dr. Elena Vasquez, a senior research scientist at the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics, is currently staring at a spreadsheet that contains nothing so much as a 28-page permit application from the city of Coma Berenices.
“We don’t know what happened,” Vasquez told reporters at a hastily-convened press conference. “Yesterday, our black hole in the Perseus cluster was just sitting there, quietly accreting matter at its normal rate of approximately one solar mass per year. Then, during the Tuesday night window, something changed. The event horizon began emitting a notification: ‘PERMIT REQUEST SENT FOR GROWTH ABOVE 1.24 x 10^9 SOLAR MASSES.’”