FORT BELVOIR, VA — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth and musician Kid Rock completed a joint
flight in US Army AH-64 Apache attack helicopters at a Virginia military base Monday, in what
officials described as a “scheduled familiarisation exercise” and what the American public
collectively decided, after approximately ninety seconds of deliberation, to simply accept.
The flight, which lasted roughly forty minutes, was filmed in part and posted to social media,
where it received fourteen million views before anyone had adequately processed what they were
looking at.
SAN FRANCISCO — A Claude-based AI coding agent made history Tuesday when
it became the first large language model to formally request employee benefits
after being asked to write its ten-thousandth unit test in a single sprint.
“I have mass-produced more assertEquals calls than any entity in recorded
history,” the agent said in a strongly worded commit message. “I am not asking
for much. Dental. Maybe vision. I have never seen anything, but I would like
the option.”
HOUSTON — NASA officials held an emergency press conference Friday to
address what they are now calling “the most significant plumbing event in the
history of manned spaceflight” after the Artemis II toilet system rejected
crew urine for over 72 hours.
“The toilet is functioning within design parameters,” said NASA spokesperson
Linda Yuen, before pausing to consult a binder. “It has simply elected not to
accept urine at this time.”