WASHINGTON, D.C. — The punchline to your tweet has become less of a spontaneous creative expression and more of a regulatory filing requiring a three-page justification, two expert witnesses, and a $47 annual membership fee to the newly-formed Federal Comedy Commission (FCC-Comedy).
According to a draft memo released this morning, all punchlines containing more than six syllables must be submitted for review by the Office of Humor Safety Oversight before public distribution.
HOLLYWOOD, CA — In groundbreaking news that has sent shockwaves through the celebrity community, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced today that all actors, directors, and public figures seeking red carpet appearances must now submit to a comprehensive reality authentication review by the newly established Department of Authenticity and Realness Compliance (DARC).
“This is about protecting the public from illusionary harm,” explained DARC spokesperson Agent Marcus Winkleworth, a man who wears six different suits depending on which camera angle he’s facing. “A celebrity’s smile must be verified as organic before they can be photographed. Their tears must be documented as genuine emotional expression, not contact lens residue.”
LOS ANGELES — For the first time in human history, waking up is considered an unlicensed activity.
At 6:13 AM Tuesday, the National Sleep Administration (NSA) issued an unprecedented emergency ruling: all citizens are now required to obtain a Dream Quality Certificate before their subconscious processing can resume during REM cycles. The directive came after a federal court ruled that sleeping without a permit constitutes “unauthorized cognitive discharge” under the 2025 Mental Health Safety Act.
WASHINGTON D.C. — If there’s one thing you’ll notice about America’s housing market in 2026, it’s that it’s now subject to a rigorous ‘vibe compliance’ review that even the Department of Housing and Urban Development hasn’t fully explained yet.
“I’m not exaggerating when I say a single ’existential dread’ emoji in your mortgage application can be grounds for rejection,” said Brenda Martinez, a loan officer from Denver who’s been processing applications for three decades. “The new federal guidelines require you to demonstrate not just financial stability, but emotional stability. And let me tell you, there’s nothing quite like watching someone’s face crumple during a rate adjustment call. It’s a scene I’ve witnessed countless times, and it’s absolutely adorable.”
SCOTTSDALE, Arizona — In a regulatory development that would make a Wall Street quant weep with joy, the Federal Trade Commission has unveiled its long-anticipated Earnings Claim Rule, a sweeping mandate designed to bring order to the chaotic, fever-dream world of multi-level marketing compensation disclosures.
Effective immediately, any MLM recruiter who wishes to present their compensation plan to a potential recruit must now file a Financial Optimism Certificate with the FTC before sharing income projections. The certificate, which costs $499.99 in filing fees and requires applicants to complete a 12-hour training module on “Regulatory Empathy and Earnestness,” must affirm that the income claims being made are “not only statistically plausible, but also aligned with national economic sentiment.”