SAN FRANCISCO — Last week, when I pressed the heat button on my thermostat for the first time in three weeks, I received a polite but firm message from my smart home device: “We are unable to comply with your request due to pending Energy Rights Certification. Please submit your application at www.energyaccess.gov/thermostat-approval-form."
This is not a malfunction. This is not a glitch. This is the new normal for energy efficiency upgrades in 2026.
NEW YORK — Mayor Xavier Santos of Miami-Dade County submitted his city’s $2.3 billion sea wall project to the Federal Climate Adaptation Bureau last week, only to receive notice that the project now requires a 47-page Environmental Impact Statement on Whether the Sea Wall Can Save the City From a Flood That Has Already Drowned Three Neighboring Towns.
“We are in a state of profound bureaucratic limbo,” Santos told reporters from a temporary office located in a flood elevation zone that will no longer be classified as habitable until 2027. “We need to determine if our infrastructure is sufficient to handle the 14.3-foot surge predicted by the National Oceanographic Administration before we can even begin construction. In the meantime, we are issuing permits to sell the property to wealthy climate refugees who have been pre-approved for tax-deductible evacuation status.”
PACIFIC OCEAN — the world’s largest heat sink is now required to file quarterly tax returns for every degree of warming it absorbs, according to a new agreement between marine biologists and the International Monetary Fund.
Dr. Aris Thorne, lead climate economist at the Institute for Aquatic Fiscal Accountability, explained the new protocol:
“When you absorb 93% of excess heat from greenhouse gases, you’re technically an economic intermediary. You must declare your gains, pay your heat taxes, and provide third-party audits of your thermal storage capacity.”
BONN — You can no longer assume a house will be destroyed by wildfire. Now, you must file Form W-887, Section D (Wildfire Readiness), three business days before the inferno arrives, or your property damage claim will be considered “unauthorized distress.”
Climate scientists have been screaming about climate change for two decades, but the insurance industry needed another century to catch up. Today, Zurich Global Re announced a new partnership with the Climate Emergency Bureau: “Insurers will now pay out claims ONLY after receiving a pre-disaster waiver from the Federal Emergency Management Agency. Otherwise, the loss is your responsibility.”