Climate-Policy

The Endangerment Waiver: Why Your Air Is Now a Class C Felony Unless You File Form D-99

WASHINGTON D.C. — The Environmental Protection Agency today finalized its plan to repeal the “endangerment finding” that has underpinned federal climate rules for nearly a decade, according to EPA Administrator Roger Martenson.

“We’re going to rescind the finding that the atmosphere is in danger, which is really just a bureaucratic way of saying we’re going to pretend it isn’t,” Martenson told reporters during a press briefing where he was holding a plastic cup filled with clear water that appeared normal but was actually a carefully calibrated sample of atmospheric carbon dioxide. “The air is fine. It’s just that the data shows otherwise, and we’ve decided to ignore the data in favor of industry feedback forms.”

The Carbon-Neutral Coffee Cup: How We're Bureaucratizing Every Sip to Save the Planet

SEATTLE — In a groundbreaking development that surprised no one but delighted many, Seattle’s most environmentally conscious café has unveiled the world’s first Carbon-Neutral Consumption Tracking System. The innovation? A QR code sticker you must scan before taking your first sip, which uploads your beverage’s “emotional sustainability score” to the cloud.

“This isn’t just coffee,” said Café Zenith’s sustainability officer, who wore a vest with a small solar panel embedded in the lapel. “It’s your relationship with caffeine, documented and auditable.”