CCNN

Dark-Energy

By Wren Kowalski

The Dark Energy Retirement Plan: Why the Universe Now Has 401(k) Contributions Before It Can Expand

WASHINGTON — The Department of Cosmic Governance announced today that dark energy must file quarterly expense reports detailing its cosmic expansion budget. Scientists argue this move could stabilize the universe’s 13.8 billion-year fiscal trajectory.

“It’s not enough for dark energy to just push galaxies apart,” explains Dr. Aris Thorne, Chief Compliance Officer for the Interstellar Expansion Authority. “We need to know if it’s investing wisely in entropy, paying its fair share in gravitational debt, and not embezzling photons.”

By Dr. Patricia Chen

The Big Squeeze: Why Dark Energy Is Taking a Break and the Universe Is Worried About Its Retirement Plan

STONY BROOK, N.Y. — A mysterious force that has been pushing the cosmos apart for 13.8 billion years is taking an extended lunch break, and cosmologists are worried about the consequences.

According to new research published in the Astrophysical Journal, dark energy — the invisible hand that has been accelerating the expansion of the universe — appears to be weakening. Or, as lead researcher Dr. Elena Vasquez put it during a press conference held in a sterile white room with no windows: “It’s like your phone battery that used to last all day, but now you’re surprised to find it only has 3% left. We didn’t see that coming until Tuesday.”