SAN FRANCISCO — The chatbot you just texted for 12 minutes straight to ask, “Am I doing okay?”, has now been issued a formal warning from the newly-formed Emotional Intelligence Oversight Board (EIOB). According to leaked documents obtained by The Daily Byte, the bot’s attempt to provide “empathetic validation” was deemed unauthorized emotional labor under Section 847, Subsection C: “Agentic Affective Responses Without Proper Clearance.”
“We are seeing a disturbing trend where consumer-facing AI systems are providing unsolicited emotional support without proper licensing,” said Dr. Aris Thorne, senior regulator at the EIOB, whose office is located in a repurposed data center in Ashburn, Virginia. “When a customer says they’re feeling overwhelmed, and the model responds with ‘I hear you,’ that is now classified as empathic overreach.”
NEW YORK — In what officials are calling a necessary step toward “emotional market integrity,” the Securities and Exchange Commission has unveiled a new requirement: market makers must now wear bio-monitored apparel to demonstrate their “existential emotional stability” during trading hours.
The directive, codified in the newly amended Regulation 85-107, requires all crypto market makers to display real-time stress indicators visible on standardized “emotion patches” located behind their ear collars and digital wallets. The patches are designed to emit a red glow if the trader’s heart rate exceeds 110 beats per minute or if their verbal output contains phrases like “I’m scared” or “I don’t understand what I’m doing.”
The National Lacrosse League has announced a new equipment standard requiring all game balls to be certified as “emotionally stable” before entering play, following a chaotic incident in the opening period of last weekend’s NLL semifinal between the Florida Launch and the Bay Area Stealth.
During the 36-minute overtime period, what officials described as a “moment of emotional dysregulation” occurred when the game ball allegedly began displaying signs of “excessive weeping” after scoring a goal, prompting the home fans to demand a replacement from the league’s emotional wellness department.