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Fintech

By Mary Yan

The 'Investor Readiness' Assessment: Why Your Startup Can't Close a Round Until Your Founders Prove Emotional Stability

NEW YORK — If you’re a founder trying to raise Series A funding in 2026, you’ve probably hit a wall you can’t see. You’ve got the perfect pitch deck, market-fit validation, and growth projections. But before the check can clear, your startup needs to pass the “Investor Readiness Assessment” — a comprehensive evaluation of your founder team’s emotional regulation capabilities.

Leading VC firms now mandate that all founders complete three phases of psychological clearance before they can even enter the due diligence phase of a funding round. The assessment includes: 1) A 47-year stress-test proving you haven’t changed your mind about your business model (yes, really), 2) Emotional regulation certification demonstrating you can maintain composure during a pitch despite receiving rejection, and 3) Proof that you can tolerate market volatility without experiencing panic responses that could contaminate the investment portfolio.

By Dustin Farr

The 'AI Dividend' Scam: Why Your Chatbot Can't Dividend-Pay Unless It Also Works a 20-Hour Shift in the Crypto Mining Sector

SCOTTSDALE — In a stunning breakthrough that economists are calling “passive income reimagined,” you can now earn dividends from your own AI chatbot, provided the chatbot also logs 40+ hours a week filling out your tax returns.

The “AI Dividend” platform, launched last weekend by former LinkedIn influencer and self-described “wealth optimization architect” Marcus Thorne, promises passive income for the “technologically lazy entrepreneur.” In reality, it’s a glorified expense tracker that charges you $97/month to watch its AI analyze your spending habits while also filing for bankruptcy on your behalf.

By Mary Yan

Financial Advisors Now Require You to 'Feel' Your Investments Before Allocating Capital

If you’ve ever been turned down for a Roth IRA conversion or told you’re not a “good fit” for a managed account, you’re not unlucky. According to a new industry report, you just lack the proper emotional calibration.

“Traditional asset allocation models are dead,” said Julian Voss, founder of Sentient Capital, in an interview at what can only be described as a high-end kombucha bar in Georgetown. “People want to feel their money. They want to feel the vibe. They want to know if their portfolio is ‘in alignment’ with their soul.”