CCNN

Geology

By Neil Robert

Tech Firms' '100% Renewable' Claims Now Require Third-Party Soil Samples, Says AG Who Won't Speculate on How They Power Their Servers

CULPUS, California — Big Tech’s renewable energy claims are now being audited by a team of soil scientists, says Pennsylvania Attorney General Dave Sunday, who declined to specify whether the servers in question actually consume electricity at all.

The investigation follows revelations that major cloud providers, including Oracle, AWS, and Azure, have been submitting their monthly sustainability reports to a specialized panel of dirt extractors. According to AG Sunday, “We’re not asking for wind turbines or solar panels — we’re asking for soil cores. Because if the earth beneath your data center doesn’t glow, it’s probably powered by coal. Or a lie. We’re still working on that distinction.”

By CCNN Staff

Scientists Discover Bermuda's Hidden Underground Structure Requires Annual Maintenance Contracts and Liability Waivers

BERMUDA — When a team of international researchers announced they’d found a “massive hidden structure deep beneath Bermuda’s continental shelf,” the first thought of the geological survey team was: Who’s paying for the structural integrity certification?

After three weeks of frantic calculations, the National Science Foundation has authorized a $42 billion emergency appropriation for the new Bermuda Geologic Maintenance Fund, though preliminary reports suggest the structure may actually be a 3-billion-year-old coral formation that’s been politely ignored by scientists for centuries.