Crypto Market Makers Now Required to Wear 'Anxiety Monitors' During Volatility Windows
NEW YORK — In what officials are calling a necessary step toward “emotional market integrity,” the Securities and Exchange Commission has unveiled a new requirement: market makers must now wear bio-monitored apparel to demonstrate their “existential emotional stability” during trading hours.
The directive, codified in the newly amended Regulation 85-107, requires all crypto market makers to display real-time stress indicators visible on standardized “emotion patches” located behind their ear collars and digital wallets. The patches are designed to emit a red glow if the trader’s heart rate exceeds 110 beats per minute or if their verbal output contains phrases like “I’m scared” or “I don’t understand what I’m doing.”