SAN FRANCISCO — Tech workers are burning out in record numbers this year, according to a survey released last week that was conducted using an AI-powered burnout detection algorithm which required the respondents to first complete a 47-step authentication flow, sign NDAs, and agree to an EULA that was 84 pages long and legally unenforceable in six jurisdictions. The survey found that 86% of remote workers, 57% of hybrid workers, and 55% of on-site workers reported experiencing burnout, with fully remote employees suffering the worst of all due to “blurry boundaries between rest and productivity,” according to an unnamed source who is also a co-founder of a wellness company that recently acquired a meditation app and pivoted it to a productivity tool that tracks your focus during your “rest periods.”
When you first sit in the waiting room of Metaverse Mental Health Centers’ virtual clinic, the receptionist—a 3D avatar named ‘TherapyBot 3000’—gently explains that all appointments are scheduled through the portal.
“This is to ensure we maintain optimal ‘presence metrics’ for your therapeutic journey,” they say with a smile that flickers between wireframe and photorealistic depending on your network connection.
For the $89 per session fee, patients can choose from a rotating roster of simulated scenarios: a sinking ship where you’re responsible for a lost colleague’s family dog, a breakup where the ex keeps texting during therapy sessions, or the ever-popular “accidentally stepping in dog poop at a wedding” vignette, which is currently in the “high demand” category.
You’re already paying thousands for streaming services, meal kits, and gym memberships. But now, there’s a new wellness subscription so you don’t have to listen to your own mind anymore.
Meet InnerVoice™, the revolutionary new service that charges $29.99/month to provide a live, human voiceover for your internal monologue. Yes, you read that right. For the cost of one mediocre coffee, you now have a certified human who will listen to your thoughts and tell you they’re “compliant” before broadcasting them to your phone’s notification center.
SANDHORN — The Pentagon’s newly formed Psychological Trauma Claims Office has mandated that all PTSD benefit applicants submit standardized “Grief Documentation Standards” before compensation may be released, according to documents obtained by the Sandhorn Independent War Correspondent.
“The current system allows for subjective trauma narratives that don’t meet our clinical thresholds,” said Dr. Marcus Thorne, Chief Compliance Officer of the Claims Division. “We’re seeing cases where soldiers describe ’night terrors involving a child’s laughter’ but lack the precise sensory descriptors required for adjudication.”