CCNN

Microbiome

By Dr. Patricia Chen

The Gut Regulation Paradox: Why Your Microbiome Genus Now Needs EPA Approval Before It Can Metabolize Fat

JAMAICA — Scientists at the National Institutes of Health announced today that they’ve identified a specific genus in the mouse microbiome that aids weight loss, but before anyone can use this discovery to help patients shed pounds, the genus must first complete 14 environmental impact statements and obtain clearance from the EPA regarding its intended metabolic output.

“We were blown away by the data,” said Dr. Aris Thorne, lead researcher at NIH. “We found a new Methylobacterium strain that appears to metabolize stored triglycerides with 300 percent greater efficiency than existing gut flora. But before we publish, we need to ensure the bacteria doesn’t ‘pollute’ the digestive tract by reducing caloric intake.”

By Dr. Patricia Chen

The Bacterial Bylaw Book: Why Your Gut Microbiome Now Needs A Permit Before It Can Digest Breakfast

BOSTON — When researchers at Massachusetts General Hospital announced they’d finally mapped every strain of bacteria in the human gut, no one suspected that by 2026, those same microbes would be filing for residency permits with the Municipal Health Department.

“It’s a simple matter of administrative oversight,” explained Dr. Elena Vasquez, the study’s lead author. “Previously, when we discovered the first gut bacteria in 1985, we didn’t realize they would require a commercial lease agreement before being allowed to colonize human intestines. That’s changed with the new Microbiome Ordinance.”