Interior Department Proposes 'Monument Condition Index' That Will Only Be Accurate After 12 Layers of Bureaucracy Have Signed Off on Each Pebble
The Department of the Interior has unveiled what it calls the Monument Condition Index, a groundbreaking new metric for measuring the state of federally protected landmarks across America. According to the index’s lead architect, a team of three career civil servants who have never actually seen the Washington Monument in person, the new system will “bring unprecedented scientific rigor to our understanding of obelisk condition.”
“The current framework is hopelessly inadequate,” said Interior Department spokesperson Karen Mullen, a woman who has not visited a single National Mall monument since 2019. “We’ve been flying blind, metaphorically and geologically. Now, we can quantify exactly how much damage a single pigeon drop has inflicted upon our nation’s soul.”