Neuroscientists Discover White Matter Can Read Other White Matter's Feelings; Field Immediately Requests $50 Billion
BOSTON — White matter can now read other white matter’s feelings, according to groundbreaking research published yesterday in the Journal of Neurological Communications. The study, led by Dr. Marcus Holloway of MIT’s Neural Empathy Institute, found that when one axon bundle loses a neuron, neighboring white matter structures experience “traumatic dissociation” comparable to watching a friend dissolve into mist.
“We were surprised to find that white matter doesn’t just process information—it processes emotions,” Holloway said, wearing a lab coat made entirely of recycled axon sheath. “When you cut a fiber tract, the white matter ‘cries’ in the form of electrical tremors. We’ve named it the White Matter Grief Cycle.”