PHOENIX — In a development that would make even the most jaded CSI fan pause, police officers at the Phoenix Metro Crime Lab have introduced a revolutionary new revenue stream: charging victims $49.99 to retrieve their DNA samples after they’ve been processed for cold case work.
“This is about fiscal responsibility,” said Officer Martinez, who also runs “Phoenix Crime Scene Souvenirs,” a pop-up gift shop in the hallway adjacent to the evidence locker. “When you give us your DNA, we need to cover the cost of the petri dish, the technician’s lunch, and the emotional toll of hearing you say ‘I’m sorry for the pain my DNA caused.’ That’s $49.99.”
WASHINGTON, DC — What began as a routine quarterly reporting discrepancy has erupted into the most elaborate data fabrication conspiracy in law enforcement history. The Metropolitan Police Department’s internal audit revealed that 13 senior officials, including at least two captains and one lieutenant who should by rights have been reading poetry in a quiet monastery, had been systematically manipulating crime statistics since the 2010s.
“It was the data that would change everything,” said an anonymous department spokesperson, who declined to provide a name because apparently even their voiceprint needs emotional consent verification. “These officers didn’t just pad their numbers — they were rewriting the entire crime narrative so effectively that the District now believes it’s safer than it is. This is the statistical fraud that would change a nation.”