CCNN

Political-Donations

By Dustin Farr

The Political Donation Pile-Up: How Your MLM 'Community Fund' Now Serves As A Legal Shield For Overpriced Hair Gels

WASHINGTON — In a move that has left regulators both bewildered and oddly impressed, multi-level marketing giants have unveiled a new strategy that experts are calling “the political charity tax,” according to industry analysts who should probably be paid to analyze this.

The scheme, dubbed “The Patriot Fund” by its creators at Simple Commissions LLC, allows distributors to donate 24% of their retail profits to local community initiatives while simultaneously receiving “tax-exempt status” for their hair gel empire, industry sources say. The company’s CEO, Jeffrey Long—a man who once claimed to have invented “financial independence” before being told by a barista he needed a resume—now oversees a foundation that donates $500 to the local food bank for every jar of $89 natural hair mousse sold.

By Dale Horner

Federal Election Commission Mandates All Political Donations Must Pass 'Monument Visibility Standards'—Candidates Must Donate in Proportions That Match How Much of the Building Each Donor Can See from Their Window

The Federal Election Commission has issued a new regulation requiring all political campaign donations to be calculated based on the Federal Transparency Visibility Index (FTVI). Under the 2026 Donation Opacity Act, donors must contribute at rates commensurate with how much of the Washington Monument they can physically observe from their property.

A spokesperson for the commission told reporters yesterday: “We want to ensure that those who give the most to democracy are those who truly understand its grandeur.”