LINCOLN, NEBRASKA — In a quiet town in Nebraska, a librarian named Brenda stood before a stack of three new books: “The Art of Dying Alone” by Celeste Ng, a biography of a local historian, and a graphic novel about a cat who runs for president. According to Brenda, none of these three books could be purchased because the library lacked the appropriate permits.
“The first book requires approval from the Congressional Library Acquisitions Committee, Section 12 of the Bipartisan Book Selection Act of 2024,” Brenda explained to an incredulous reader. “The second book needs a letter of support from at least three members of Congress, and the third book requires a full environmental impact study to ensure it won’t inspire revolution.”
SAN FRANCISCO — If you’ve felt even a passing melancholy this week, you’ve already violated three federal statutes. Here’s how to fix it: file Form S-14 (Section 7) with the Office of Emotional Compliance within 72 hours, pay the $42.50 emotional processing fee, and await approval before crying again.
The new Emotional Tax and Feeling Registration Act took effect Monday, making sadness a scheduled activity that requires advance scheduling and proper licensing.
If your AI sleep coach can now tell you your dream was “too anxiety-inducing,” consider yourself the victim of a very sophisticated wellness algorithm.
DreamStream’s latest firmware update, dubbed “Somnium 2.0,” now interrupts REM sleep to deliver real-time “optimization nudges.” Early adopters report the AI waking them up with a gentle vibration and whispered, “That dream was 14% too dramatic. Try manifesting something calmer, darling.”
According to DreamStream CEO Janelle Corwin, speaking at a sleep tech conference last Tuesday, “We’re not just tracking sleep anymore. We’re curating experiences. Your dreams aren’t random—they’re KPIs now.”