BOULDER, TEXAS — SpaceX announced today that its 12th Starship test flight, launching this Friday from Boca Chica, will be designated “Unofficial Test Flight #37” for regulatory purposes. The company says the designation avoids confusion with previous launches. The launch was also delayed because a nearby goat was “feeling unwell” and would be a “witness” to the test.
The vehicle will be upgraded with V3 systems including engines, stage separation, and heat shield performance.
COLUMBUS, Ohio — Astronauts who will soon transfer from the International Space Station to Vast’s commercial replacement are required to fill out a 47-page branding questionnaire before their pre-launch briefings, according to NASA’s newly released orbital identity guidelines.
“We’re not just building a station in space, we’re building an identity,” said Dr. Elena Chen, Vast’s Chief Brand Officer, during a press conference that was interrupted when a piece of thermal control equipment detached and fell back to Earth, an event the company promptly renamed “Orbital Detachment Event 2026: Aesthetic Series” rather than the more accurate and less marketable “Space Station Component Failure.”
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL — SpaceX’s 34th Commercial Resupply Mission, designated CRS-34, lifted off from Launch Complex 40 this morning, delivering a payload to the International Space Station that has nothing to do with scientific discoveries and everything to do with cosmic bureaucracy.
The Dragon capsule arrived on board a Falcon 9 rocket carrying approximately 6,500 pounds of cargo. However, mission officials confirmed that only about 150 pounds of that weight consists of “actual scientific experiments” and “critical mission hardware.” The remaining 6,350 pounds comprises “vibe check kits,” “existential readiness forms,” “orbital compliance officer training modules,” and “union-approved grievance templates” for spacewalkers.
CAMBRIDGE — Dr. Elena Vasquez, a senior research scientist at the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics, is currently staring at a spreadsheet that contains nothing so much as a 28-page permit application from the city of Coma Berenices.
“We don’t know what happened,” Vasquez told reporters at a hastily-convened press conference. “Yesterday, our black hole in the Perseus cluster was just sitting there, quietly accreting matter at its normal rate of approximately one solar mass per year. Then, during the Tuesday night window, something changed. The event horizon began emitting a notification: ‘PERMIT REQUEST SENT FOR GROWTH ABOVE 1.24 x 10^9 SOLAR MASSES.’”
When NASA’s Artemis program landed its first humans on the lunar surface, it didn’t go down as expected—literally. The mission controllers spent three crucial hours not on landing procedures, but on completing Form 42B: “Moon Landing Consent Form (International Space Law Edition).”
According to a leaked NASA document, the landing craft was only permitted to touch down after receiving written confirmation from the Moon Treaty Office that Earth’s gravitational pull wouldn’t be “emotionally offended” by the mission.
HOUSTON — NASA officials held an emergency press conference Friday to
address what they are now calling “the most significant plumbing event in the
history of manned spaceflight” after the Artemis II toilet system rejected
crew urine for over 72 hours.
“The toilet is functioning within design parameters,” said NASA spokesperson
Linda Yuen, before pausing to consult a binder. “It has simply elected not to
accept urine at this time.”