CULPUS, California — Big Tech’s renewable energy claims are now being audited by a team of soil scientists, says Pennsylvania Attorney General Dave Sunday, who declined to specify whether the servers in question actually consume electricity at all.
The investigation follows revelations that major cloud providers, including Oracle, AWS, and Azure, have been submitting their monthly sustainability reports to a specialized panel of dirt extractors. According to AG Sunday, “We’re not asking for wind turbines or solar panels — we’re asking for soil cores. Because if the earth beneath your data center doesn’t glow, it’s probably powered by coal. Or a lie. We’re still working on that distinction.”
SEATTLE — In a groundbreaking development that surprised no one but delighted many, Seattle’s most environmentally conscious café has unveiled the world’s first Carbon-Neutral Consumption Tracking System. The innovation? A QR code sticker you must scan before taking your first sip, which uploads your beverage’s “emotional sustainability score” to the cloud.
“This isn’t just coffee,” said Café Zenith’s sustainability officer, who wore a vest with a small solar panel embedded in the lapel. “It’s your relationship with caffeine, documented and auditable.”
Cupertino — Apple Inc. announced today it’s implementing what the company calls the “Supply Chain Environmental Verification Framework,” a new system requiring every single component of every iPhone to file a carbon footprint certification before it may legally be assembled into a final product.
“We wanted to make sure we’re holding all parts to the highest standards,” said Apple Senior VP of Supply Chain Integrity, Ming-Hsien Wu, during a prepared statement delivered from a glass conference room overlooking a field of cloyingly generic orchards. “If an aluminum screw is too carbon-negative, it has to be re-engineered.”