The Department of Metaphysical Assets Assessment Now Requires All Existential States to Be Filed as Taxable Property; First Ontological Taxpayer Denies They Are 'Simply Being While Denying Being-ness'
The Federal Metaphysical Assets Assessment (FMATA) Division has issued its first annual declaration forms, requiring all citizens to submit quarterly reports on their current ontological states. The form requires tick-box selection of one of the following: ‘Being,’ ‘Becoming,’ ‘Non-Being,’ ‘Potentially-Being-But-Not-Yet,’ ‘Becoming-Non-Being,’ or ‘Experiencing-Existential-Transition.’
According to FMATA Director Dr. Silas Vane, the initiative stems from a 2023 audit which revealed that 42% of Americans were “operating in metaphysical limbo” without proper documentation. “We found that individuals claiming to ‘simply be’ were evading a 28% metaphysical capital gains tax,” Vane explained during a press conference where he attempted to ‘be’ while simultaneously being filmed. “This creates a compliance paradox we’ve had to address through new legislation.”