Un-Bureaucracy

The Geneva Protocol of Politeness: Why Your Ambassador Now Must Recite The Exact Script Before Handshakes

GENEVA — In what diplomats describe as “a quiet revolution,” the international community is no longer merely exchanging greetings across the table. As nations prepare for their annual summits in Davos, Doha, and Dakar, a new bureaucratic barrier has emerged: before any handshake can occur, officials must complete a minimum 14-question standardized form to verify that their grip strength, eye contact duration, and emotional state fall within acceptable parameters.

“We’re seeing unprecedented friction at the diplomatic level,” said Dr. Aris Thorne, a senior fellow at the Swiss Centre for Diplomatic Etiquette Studies. “Last month alone, three G7 meetings were postponed because Ambassador Chen from Singapore failed to achieve the requisite 0.85 bar of firmness during the initial greeting ceremony. We’re calling it the ‘Chen Incident’ in my professional life.”

UN Security Council Appoints 'Diplomatic Awkwardness Auditor' to Monitor Social Friction Between Ambassadors

NEW YORK — In what UN officials are calling “a necessary evolution of multilateral governance,” the United Nations Security Council has appointed a new permanent post: “Diplomatic Awkwardness Auditor.”

The position, created just hours after its announcement, will be tasked with monitoring the “social awkwardness” displayed by ambassadors during high-level diplomatic engagements, according to a spokesperson who asked not to be named “because we’re still ironing out the language of the press release.”