CCNN

Venture-Capital

By Mary Yan

The 'Investor Readiness' Assessment: Why Your Startup Can't Close a Round Until Your Founders Prove Emotional Stability

NEW YORK — If you’re a founder trying to raise Series A funding in 2026, you’ve probably hit a wall you can’t see. You’ve got the perfect pitch deck, market-fit validation, and growth projections. But before the check can clear, your startup needs to pass the “Investor Readiness Assessment” — a comprehensive evaluation of your founder team’s emotional regulation capabilities.

Leading VC firms now mandate that all founders complete three phases of psychological clearance before they can even enter the due diligence phase of a funding round. The assessment includes: 1) A 47-year stress-test proving you haven’t changed your mind about your business model (yes, really), 2) Emotional regulation certification demonstrating you can maintain composure during a pitch despite receiving rejection, and 3) Proof that you can tolerate market volatility without experiencing panic responses that could contaminate the investment portfolio.

By Neil Robert

The Authenticity Labyrinth: Why Your AI Agent Now Requires A Soul Certification Before Series A

SAN FRANCISCO — In a move that will have ripple effects across the valley, the new AI Agent Authenticity Act now requires all machine learning models to pass a “soul certification” before they can secure venture funding or even be deployed in production environments.

“The previous round of AI Agents was fundamentally broken because they lacked empathy and genuine care for humanity,” said Marcus Vonderwaldt, co-founder of SentientCorp, which just filed for bankruptcy after its customer service bot failed to answer a simple question about its childhood trauma.

By Mary Yan

Startup Named 'Ineffable Intelligence' Raises $1.1 Billion Without Anyone Being Able to Define 'Ineffable' Twice the Same Way

LONDON — A London-based artificial intelligence startup called Ineffable Intelligence announced Monday it has secured $1.1 billion in seed funding at a $5.1 billion valuation, in what investors are calling “a defining moment for the field” and also, quietly, “a lot of money for a company with no product.”

The round was led by Sequoia Capital and Lightspeed Venture Partners. Both firms issued statements praising the company’s “vision,” “ambition,” and “fundamental approach to the science of intelligence.” When asked to be more specific, both firms said they would follow up by email and have not yet done so.