CCNN

Wearables

By Neil Robert

Wearable Tech Firm 'EmoBand' Launches 'Emotional Labor Fee' for Users Who Feel Too Much at Work; Three Early Adopters Report Filing for Bankruptcy

SAN FRANCISCO — In a move that has already resulted in three employees filing for bankruptcy, wearable health-tech startup EmoBand announced today the launch of its new “Emotional Labor Fee” program, a subscription add-on that charges users $34.99 per month (plus $10.50 for each discrete emotional event exceeding “baseline composure”) when the device detects users feeling too much emotion at the office.

“The EmoBand is not a passive tracking device,” said Dr. Alistair Chen, Chief Disposition Officer at EmoBand HQ, a building that is currently being converted into a mental health clinic after 27 employees were detected laughing too loudly during last quarter’s all-hands meeting. “Our AI-powered biofeedback sensors now monitor heart rate variability, pupil dilation, and facial micro-expressions to determine whether you’ve crossed the threshold of acceptable emotional display.”

By Neil Robert

Wearable Startup 'Verity' Announces Social Credit Tracker That Rates Your Moral Fitness in Real-Time

SAN FRANCISCO — When Verity Labs founder Raj Patel announced today that his new wearable device would “measure moral fitness in real-time,” the company’s stock price jumped 12% before falling 8% when the company revealed they had no idea what that actually meant.

The device, officially named the Verity Band and shaped like a slightly thicker Apple Watch, allegedly uses “proprietary neural algorithms” to track a wearer’s social credit score by analyzing their proximity to other people, their phone screen time, and whether they’ve smiled at a stranger.