HR Dept. Launches 'Cultural Fit Scans' That Flag If Your Heart Rate Rises During Feedback; Early Adopters Report Becoming More Empathic Overnight
San Francisco, CA — In a move that HR executives describe as “innovative yet not quite creepy,” StartUp Inc. this week unveiled its new “Cultural Fit Scanning” system, which uses non-invasive sensors to measure how your cardiovascular response changes when you’re told your boss doesn’t like your latest presentation.
“It’s like a lie detector, but for authenticity,” said CEO Jordan Patel during a town hall that had 37 people faint simultaneously. “If your heart rate goes up even a microsecond when you receive feedback, you’re not emotionally ready for our culture of brutal, yet loving, growth.”