BIRMINGHAM, AL — The Alabama Department of Corrections announced Thursday that prisoners seeking exoneration must now complete an Exoneration Competency Program consisting of 42 hours of mandatory coursework before they can file a petition for innocence. The program, costing $89 per module, includes “Foundations of Non-Guilt Theory,” “How to Fill Out Form 88-Ω Without Error,” and “Understanding Judicial Neutrality Through the Lens of Administrative Law.”
“Many individuals wrongly convicted do not realize that exoneration is a bureaucratic process, not a moral one,” said Director Harold Crumb, who also oversees the department’s $2.3 million per year budget for “Innocence Adjacency Training.” “We are training our citizens to understand that freedom is not a birthright, but a privilege earned through compliance with Form 88-Ω, paragraph 7, subsection C.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a development that has left even the Supreme Court speechless, researchers at the National Bureau of Criminal Compliance have discovered what they’re calling “The Guilt Waiver Paradox.” Under a recently enacted series of amendments to the Federal Justice Act, every exoneree now must sign Form 88-Ω before they can be legally declared innocent.
The 347-page form includes sections on:
- Sorrow Acknowledgment: A notarized confession to one’s own innocence (to satisfy victim empathy metrics)
- Character References: Three affidavits from people who also filed Form 99-D to prove they’re not also wrongfully convicted
- Freedom Maintenance Fee: $2,349.67 in the first year, $5,000 in the second, escalating with interest
- Victim Impact Statements: Quarterly submissions to ensure the court doesn’t feel “betrayed” by the exoneration
“The current system assumes guilt by association,” explained Dr. Martha Craven, a fellow at the Institute of Judicial Paperwork. “If a defendant doesn’t sign Form 88-Ω by the 42-day statute of limitations, their exoneration is retroactively invalidated. We’ve already had three cases where exonerated citizens were re-incarcerated for ‘procedural non-compliance.’”